JUNE SHOWERS

some things

2012-01-27T18:52:00.000+08:00

...are not what they seem
...disappear as fast as they came
...aren't meant to last
...aren't meant to be.

but

...despite the sham
...despite the passing swiftly away
...despite being short-lived

take heart.

it's just a phase...it's just a phase.

time to move on...again.

this is why i cry

2012-01-18T14:11:00.000+08:00

maybe, it's the black and blue semi-circle, the shape of a quarter moon, that traces the contour of her upper left face near the eye area;

maybe, it's the naked wound with three stitches that drops vertically on her forehead like a line mark from a sharp thing that was deliberately, albeit covertly, itched by vagabond kids after their readily put-on pitiful pleadings were equally met by frigid empathy;

maybe, it's her luminescent skin affirms that despite the not-so-easy life that she led especially in her married life when kids were growing, like wine, she obviously aged with grace;

maybe, it's all the gray hairs crowning her head that bear as testaments to her uncompromising wisdom. true to being an ilongga, her soft spoken voice pierces through the conscience veiled by pride and arrogance;

maybe, despite her being relegated to bed, bruises and all caused by the fall; her welcoming, stretched wide-open arms is waiting to embrace me, her toto...the family's 'forever bunso';

maybe, she's my aunt, my second mom, and at 93 she never gets tired praying and routing for me;

sana...

2012-01-12T10:37:00.002+08:00

lagi tayong may mama na nasusumbungan.

buena mano

2012-01-06T19:13:00.001+08:00

i know this would sound like very 2010's. much like some of my previous rant entries. but just the same i would like to chronicle another stressful day (actually two days in a row including today) if only to serve as a motivational booster in the future especially when days are long, my temper falls short and my spirit is low.

i was expecting a toxic day yesterday. three sites and a side-trip, an inspection for a new project. my itinerary includes dasma, carmona, and laguna. just enough to fill 10 work hours. it was about lunchtime when i noticed three missed calls on my phone. the number was from the office. obviously it was not from the big boss but either from one of the angels in the office or from the warehouse staff. true enough it was from the former. a project which we were not expecting to come in just yet, the client issued a PO with a very tight deadline.

with every quotation that we sent out we stand by our word to do the project at the convenience of the client to commence and handover at the agreed time. we never renege on our commitment or keep any client on tenterhook because we are still busy with another projects. sounds astig eh? if there's one principle that this company that i'm working for now jive with mine is 'palabra de honor'. maybe it's because it's a 'japanese' firm and japanese are widely noted for integrity.

i'm not saying that pinoys are not reliable when it comes to keeping commitments. and i must be quick to add that, sadly, yes, not all. at times when the work load is just too much for us to handle, we do call in our subcontractors to help us out. reliable subcontractors. and we just have two reliable subcons.

again, sadly, most subcons, in their desire to earn more money, they grab every opportunity that they can lay their hands on, more than what they can handle, without considering their limitation - manpower. in this business breathing humans are necessary. not just any, lest quality will be compromised in the process, but skilled ones with initiative and can work with least supervision. this basic requirement for the labor force restricts the subcon owners from arbitrarily picking up any brawny street guys and include them in their fold. delivery of quality work output is not a numbers game. it's about individual uncompromising discipline, skills, and hasten execution.

tough!

in this rat race craze, more often than not this is but an exception than the rule.

thus my ass was spinning wildly yesterday while i was making rounds in different sites. while discussing the scope with the mechanical and electrical engineers on the phone a staccato sound insistently buzzing in the background. it was the client asking clarifications. and when we were almost through, a familiar sound came bugging again. this time it's the warehouse staff for the materials and tools.

the day left me drained and exhausted. that's why at exactly 6pm i was nowhere to be found in the office anymore. i was on my way to rob-dasma for a relaxing whole body massage. haha.

it's gonna be a long weekend in the site.

merry christmas, nik!

2011-12-21T11:17:00.000+08:00

nik joined the workforce mid last year. his lacking in experience in construction works did not stop him from being ushered into the fold. knowing maam P personally and the rest of the pioneers in the company obviously worked in his favor. his moniker 'nik kakanin' is not without reason. he was peddling biko, maja, mais, lumpia among others, when he was supposed to be completing formal themes in school. but there's another factor that makes nik clicked to many. where he is lacking in experience he makes up for the looks.

good looks. kutis artistahin, lean physique, winsome smile, all added to his charms. indeed he was blessed with rare beautiful genes that proved to be important to our evolution. nik, with his unadulterated manliness, can easily give some of the star circle members a run of their money.

coming from a poor family is not a sin but to remain impoverished throughout could be. wanting in opportunity to have a proper education, deserted by his father at a very young age, having an incarcerated mother for substance abuse, nik grew up with his aging lola who cooks kakanin for a living. between school and survival, nik opted for the latter a decision that he would wistfully revisit at times but not without ready justification, "hanirap sir pero di ko rin po pinagsisihan. ayoko ko pong makitang nagugutom ang lola ko."

at 20, nik is not naive to the ways of the world but swears he never tried drugs. he'd been badly beaten by bystanders while plying his trade. robbed several times of the day's earnings. did errands for students of dlsu. bribed the guards of the best resorts in town with kakanin for a cool dip in the pool. he worked as a crew in a garment factory and a delivery boy for a water station. he's married at 18 and a father at 19.

nik is earnest at work. he does whatever he's told to do without any complaints. but there were days when he's a bit sluggish. blame it on beer nights with peers at work. "nakikisama lang sir."

it came as a surprise to me when words spread about his involvement in petty pilferage over copper wires. it happened one sunday morning when most of the stay-in workers went home to their respective families the night before. nik was seen by an 'old timer' coming down heavy with a backpack from the bodega at the second floor where the wires are being kept. "tiningnan ko lang naman sir kung naka-lock ang pinto kasi walang tao maiiwan sa barracks." skinned copper wires are sold for P300/kilo at the junkshop. maam P could do nothing with the allegations but to gave him the ax.

the last time i saw nik was when he came to the office to sign his last payslip. "sori po sir, pero di ko po ginawa ang bintang sa akin."

months passed and we haven't heard a word from him. not even a text message. until last night when someone knocked at the window of my car while i was caught in a traffic near dasma bayan. i couldn't believe it was nik. the face smiling outside the window was somewhat bony. the hair had colored streaks in it. but the thick straight eyebrows, round dark eyes, pearly white teeth, soft pinkish lips, and smooth fair face it's unmistakably nik!

"pamasko...walang trabaho...anak...gatas..." nik was still talking when the car in front of me started moving. "lika na pasok, usap tayo," unlocking the door, i motioned to nik to get in the car.

while waiting for the food to be served, nik started talking, recounting his travails after he was terminated from the company. he took odd jobs, "pa-extra extra kahit saan pwedeng kumita." but stable income proved elusive. this prompted nik to 'endorsed' his wife and kid to his in-laws, a decision that has been tormenting him.

back in the car after having dinner, i pulled a P200 bill and hand it to nik, "sensya na ito lang makakayanan ko, sana makatulong sa pangangailangan mo."

nik examined the two hundred peso bill that i was holding like it was a foreign thing to him. "sir, sensya na po ha, baka isipin nyo anong klaseng tao ako, pero naiisip ko na rin magbenta ng sarili ko makabili lang ng gatas para sa anak ko at madalaw ang mag-ina ko."

utter despondency is written in his face and voice. "kesa magnakaw po ako o mang hold-up ito ang naiisip ko, sarili ko lang madudumihan," he fiddle the bill with his fingers while justifying the means that he knows best.

"kaya mo? pano kung malalaman ng asawa mo?"

"kakayanin kailangan e. bahala na, haharapin ko na lang asawa ko pagmalaman nya. pero temporary lang naman ito, sir, kung sakaling papasukin ko na nga ang ganitong gawain." there's an utter determination in his voice.

i don't know if nik was faking it all with me. i don't know if nik was simply egging me on. i don't know if i was just being taken for a prey by a cunning predator. i don't know if nik has long smelled 'fishy' about me. but i must admit that the thought of hooking up with him also crossed my mind. not just tonight but especially tonight.

here we are, two people battling with our own evils: nik for the money while i wrestling with my carnal desires. emotion and reason were tugging each other, one trying to outsmart the other. corny it may sound but whenever i'm in doubt or in a tight fix especially with myself, i turn to prayer.

without second thoughts i safely swerved to the right. a lighted signage with red letters happily spelled out across the board assured me that we are on the right place. nik was silently craning his neck while i was maneuvering to the parking. "sir, anong gagawin natin dito?"

i snatched back the P200 bill and a heads up for nik. "tara, bili tayo gatas para sa baby mo."

nik's round eyes suddenly grew bigger. his face suck up all the glow from the fluorescent lights in the surroundings. he was like a child once again trying to brush off disbelief from his eyes at the sight of an unexpected gift, "talaga, sir???"

"merry christmas, nik!"

"thank you po, sir. madadalaw ko na uli bukas ang mag-ina ko."

panic mode

2011-12-20T15:58:00.001+08:00

christmas is just a few sleeps away and our company party is not that far either. but until now i just have a few items for gift giving.

the weather last week was sooo boring i had to cancel the trip to divisoria at the last minute. i'm not familiar with the ins and outs of the place. going there alone is like courting danger.

one late night last week, i dropped by sm for the open-till-midnight mall hours only to find out that they were not on 'sale'. i have work in the daytime and the malls are dense after work. so i stopped checking out the malls, too. i tried my luck in the tiangge, but no luck either. i couldn't find t-shirts for P150 anymore that are respectable like the one's i got last year.

thanks to natasha and avon. hahaha. they filled up a few slots in my list. a few names crossed out but more remain. the problem is i also feel sooo tamad to go out. must be the age thing? hayz. i know this is not helping me. i was considering gift cards over cold cash for my inaanaks. there's a bit of ingenuity there (hehehe) and a dash of effort to boot! a three-in-a-pack boneless bangus for neighbors and friends. but for the workers who undeniably have been the cogs of operation...arrrrgh...

i'm running out of time, it's party time before i know it and my gift bag is still empty.

comic relief

2011-12-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

some queries i encountered from the clients:

client: engr. ano nga ba ang tawag sa device na nilalagay nyo sa door namin tas automatic na nagsasara ang pintuan?
me: mmm...door closer? :)
*****

(phone call)
client: sir may problema kami sa ilaw na ininstol nyo sa big meeting room...
(she's referring to the recessed ceiling lighting)
me: ano po nangyari maam?
client: kasi po natapat sya sa screen ng projector, pag ini-switch ang lights sa front kasama sya na umiilaw, nakasilaw po e. gagamitin namin ngayon ang screen. ano gagawin ko?
me: ah, maam...pa tanggal nyo na lang po ang bulb.
client: ay, onga pala. pwede pala yun. thanks po.
*****

(prior to the commissioning of the press machine)
client: engr. yung press machine po ayaw pa umandar.
me: sir, naka-off pa po ang breaker.

*****
client: engr. bat sa quotation nyo 52 square meters ang QA room? pinasukat ko sa tao namin kahapon 29 lang. paki revise po quotation nyo.
me: check ko lang po sa plano, maam.
(after figuring out)
me: maam 29 meters po ba o square meters sabi sabi ng tao nyo?
client: walang sinabi basta pinasukat ko 29 lang po.
me: 6.5m x 8m po kasi ang sukat ng room maam, kaya yung 29 na sinasabi po ng tao nyo ay permimeter po yon.
client: pano naging 29 ang 6.5 x 8m, sir?
me: (exasperated) sum total po ng lahat ng sides, bale po 6.5 + 8 = 14.5 x 2 dahil may apat po na sides ang rectangular room.
client: ah, ganun ba? e ano yung sinasabi nyong 52 sqm?
me: area po maam yung pinaguusapan natin sa quotation. 6.5m x 8m .
client: ah, ganun po ba? sige po explain ko na lang sa boss ko.
me: (hayz...)
*****

client: sir, nabangga po ng forklift namin ang drywall na ginawa nyo sa moulding area, paki palitan po.
me: malaki po ba sir ang damage?
client: mga 4inches po pabilog, malapit sa baseboard.
me: maliit lang pala, sir, kaya yan ng...
client: (mejo naiirita) sir, ang pangit kita ang butas sa hallway, paki-palitan nyo po ng panel.
me: (mejo pikon na din) sir, since kayo po ang naka-damaged nyan, pag-pinalitan namin yan ng boong isang panel, additional charge sa inyo.
client: (mejo napikon na rin) ano ibig nyong sabihin sir hayaan na lang natin na ganyan???
me: sir, pwede patapusin nyo muna akng mga explain???
(silence)
me: sir, yung sinasabi ko po since maliit lang naman ang butas kaya po yan masilyahan tas paint finish. libre na po yan. pero kung buong panel papalitan nyo, magbabayad kayo. mamili kayo...
client: ah...sige po...mansanilya na lang...
me: masilya po.
client: semilya, ok, ok...
(hahaha)
after the work...
client: sir, parang walang nangyari ah...
me: charge ko na lang po kayo sa labor (joke hehe)
*****

client: sir, yung aircon namin ayaw lumamig mula kahapon ng hapon.
me: (checking the settings) naka-fan lang po kasi kayo maam.
*****

good thing these stuffs don't happen everyday. and not all our clients are mga ewan naman. hehehe.

how did you know

2011-12-13T16:00:00.000+08:00

i came down to the warehouse and found t'joji, the bodegera, and her assistant busy finalizing the material requests for tomorrow. t'joji was behind the L-shaped counter while her assistant was standing nearby organizing the screws of different sizes in the pigeon hole drawer. both working animatedly and in silence. the only sound in the room was the one coming from the radio-cassette smack right at the middle of table perpendicular to t'joji's. by its looks, worn and torn, you'd wonder if the radio is still working. surprisingly, yes, it still is.

"sir, pakingan nyo ang kanta, sir....ang ganda," t'joji volunteered without looking at me.

"sino yan, te?"

"chicky pineda...dalawang version lang yan...si gary v at sya."

"di mo pa narining ang version ko..." i was talking in between puffs.

"sige nga sir, parinig nga..." excitement was quite pronounced in t'joji's voice and i could see traces of nostalgia in her when our eyes met.

t'joji bowed her head and continue writing. embarrassed perhaps for being transparent with her feelings.

"bakit, te, yun bang nakita mo sa taong pinakasalan mo?" i was referring to the message of the song. there was authority in the tone of my questioning that it puts t'joji instantly right on the defensive.

the assistant winced but somehow managed an impish smile.

"ay, naku, sir...yun ang akala ko noon...kaya ko sya pinakasalan."

not long ago t'joji confided to me the status of her marriage. that's one reason why despite her almost an SC she's still working her butts off. emancipation.

"nung bagong kasal kami naka-silip ako sa kaleidoscope, kulay bahaghari ang paligid," this time t'joji put down the pen. her gaze passed through me and beyond, "nung naglaon nagsuot na ako ng helmet sa akala na kakayanin ko ang mga pagbabago sa ugali nya," her voice reeked with resentment, "yun pala libog lang."

"di nga ba sabi nila na makikila mo lang talaga ang tunay na pagkatao pag mag-sama na kayo?"

"korak ka jan, sir."

"kaya favor ka sa live-in arrangement?"

my question floated in space for awhile waiting for an answer only to be swept away by unsympathetic wind.

"bat di mo te balikan ang nag-pa-inlab sayo sa ugali nya?"

"para syang de-kolor na nung ikinula, dagling nag-fade." this was followed by a sarcastic laughter. so real the pain i could almost feel it rubbing on my naked flesh. "di nagtagal lumabas ang totoong kulay nya, sir, isa syang fake."

"dahil may anak ako sa kanya. yun, sir, ang pinanghahawakan nya sa akin, di raw pwede...dahil may anak kami."

"bat yung iba kahit nag-iba ang mga ugali nagtatagal naman?"

"kasi yung mga babae dependent sa asawa nila."

it brought to mind dong puno's discussion with his panel last night on kalibre 45: violence against women and children.

"sandali lang sir, bat ini-interview nyo ako ng ganun???"

"mag-aasawa na kasi ako..." the words that came out of my lips were clothed with solemnity, i could almost hear the church bells ringing. or so they thought. haha.

"hindi nga, sir...?" t'joji's face beamed, pleasantly surprised.

"totoo, sir...?" a screw fell off from the grasp of the assistant.

both of them were head-to-head on the floor, peering under the table and cabinets, looking for the one screw that somehow got away.

mixed signals

2011-12-12T17:03:00.001+08:00

words are easier to believe or refute.

silence are screaming truths that is harder to refute,

if we only believe its unspoken word.

magnificat

2011-12-08T08:02:00.001+08:00

My soul magnifies the Lord,
And my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the low estate of His handmaiden,
For behold, henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.
For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with His arm:
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
and exalted those of low degree.
He has filled the hungry with good things;
and the rich He has sent empty away.
He has helped His servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy;
As He spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to His posterity forever.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen

Scripture text: Revised Standard Version - Catholic Edition

belated

2011-12-07T15:39:00.001+08:00

it was my mom's birthday last 01 dec. but i decided not to greet her here in my blog as i used to. she doesn't and will never get know about my blog anyway. explain to her what a blog is and she will just smile back at you without trying to understand. she's never into computers to begin with. at 82 and under the degenerative spell of alzheimer's she's got better things in mind. few things that drive and fuel her thoughts through the day. such as...

- when i'm flying in to see her (she thinks that i'm still working abroad)
- cavite
- lipstick and eyebrow pencil
- rental collection

the list used to be longer. substantial enough. but not anymore. noticeably, the items keep shrinking. i fear for the day when she would earnestly ask me: sino ka?

i decided not to greet and write about mamang in my blog because i wanted her not to grow any older. i don't want the list to shrink anymore. i don't want mamang to slip farther away.

no, not yet.

god, please...

dreamscape

2011-12-06T15:04:00.001+08:00

it was like watching a vintage movie where everything is black and white. everything seems like a blurry two-dimensional at a glance. except that i was in the 'movie'. moving, talking and reacting to somewhat familiar things happening around me.

i was checking out a newly constructed house. my house. looks like a log cabin. capriciously spacious and absurdly empty. it felt it is my first time in the house. but not quite all too certain about that either. faint rays of what i believe is sunlight bathe the spaces inside in a somewhat surreal effect.

i decided to check the outside. lo and behold suddenly i found myself standing right at a comfortable distance in front of the house where i can have a better appreciation of the two thatched hay-roof structure. talk about teleportation without really trying.

it didn't take me long to instruct the workers to convert the two split level roofs into one and how seamlessly it was done from the outside and in no time.

when i stepped back in the house things have taken real form, shape and color. it was not magical. everything seems 'normal'. real. i could see colors around, i could smell the potpourri in the corridor, i could feel the warmth of the skin of people i happened to touch, i could taste the wine. everything is real. the people (some i personally know of), the neo classical furniture - all tastefully designed, sitting in art deco lounges; the bone china dinner set flanked by christofle and roemer wine glasses, the verdant gazebo, the glossy laminate flooring, the well appointed lighting, the inconspicuous customized air conditioning housing unit...

except for the house itself.

where it was bare the first time i stepped in, now it's chic-ly stuffed. its shape has also evolved: from a nearly square to an elongated rectangular structure which houses a foyer, a receiving area, two visitor's lounges (i don't know why it has to be two anyway), a family room, a library, a chapel, a function room for fifty heads, a family dining room, an ultra modern kitchen where things emerge at the push of a button, a sprawling lawn, an infinity pool and many things that you can only dream of.

************
i wonder, where's my room? i'm tired and i need to rest. but where's my room? can someone show me my room please...

good

2011-11-29T16:49:00.001+08:00

i have been planning about it for more than a week now. the intention has always been there but it's the time that has been playing truant all along. gladly, i did make it today. i bought a cake for ernie's wife.

you see, i found a diet-buddy in the person of ernie. not the muppet. ernie. our reliable foreman in the aircon department which is also under my watch. it's easy to monitor each other's progress (or regress) since we see each other almost everyday. whether he likes it or not, he has to see me and give me updates. every morning. or thru texts or phone calls. whichever prove expedient. but as it proves, it's not only updates that he's been bringing to me every morning. but a pack-lunch as well!!! courtesy of his wife-y. of course, minus the rice.

i must admit that it all started with me. the road to successful weight management can be lonely and frustrating. by encouraging ernie, i am helping myself as well. so started giving him dole outs. you know the instant oatmeal packs. but i was surprised by his response. i've been getting a daily ration since. i know that it's no joke to like including another mouth (or tummy hehe) in one's budget even for one meal a day. my gratitude also goes to his wife who's been graciously extending time, money and effort to send me a pack of mostly veggie-meal every single day, six days a week. no let up.

so when the staff saw me with a box of cake they all screamed in excitement. kala nila sa kanila. sabi ko: hindi ito, ito lang sa inyo, handing them a pack of hopia. hehehe.

well, i do bring 'bobong' for the girls in the admin. regularly, that is. especially when i'm coming from the site in laguna. which is almost everyday hehehe.

i dunno. siguro i was just brought up in an atmosphere where generosity abounds. my mom used to tell me when i was a kid that the best thing that a person can share is the one that hurts him/her the most. may pagka-masokista ata mama ko. hehehe. kaya yun sa spirit of sharing and 'hurting the most' she gave away our house in the province to her nephew na mejo naghihirap. and to top it all, she gave papang away to whoever 'claimant' telling them how grateful she is for taking care of papang despite his ugali. hahaha.

i dunno. siguro genetic din itong generosity. ang tingin ko lang tama yung kasabihan, it's better to give than to receive. that's why i always thank the lord for sending opportunities my way to share whatever little that i have and in however little ways that i can to share everyday.

with this conscious predisposition, it's not far out na maloloko ka. it happened to me several times. sometimes evil intentions win over good. and it's disheartening when it happens. nakakapanghina ng resolve even. but i reckon, kung mawawalan ako ng tiwala sa mga tao, i will grow cynical then what good will it do to me?

maybe i will become a few thousand pesos richer, things will rot in my possession, i will grow callous but at least i'm ok, when people around me get wind of my attitude then i will be at peace walang iistorbo sa akin. but the bottom line in all this...at the end of the day, the same question i will ask myself whenever i respond do good deeds, am i happy?

chances, i'm not.

rights or convenience?

2011-11-26T11:08:00.001+08:00

'They are very mean. They are very cruel,' husband Jose Miguel Arroyo said of the government. 'I feel sad. I feel mad. How can they refuse to follow the Supreme Court order? That is tyranny.'

- mike arroyo invoking gma's constitutional rights (just like any ordinary filipino citizen)

"Hindi po ito special treatment," said Arroyo lawyer Atty. Raul Lambino. "The president should not be equated to ordinary people. There are security risks involved, especially sinasabi nilang maraming galit sa kanya."

- abs-cbnnews.com

NHE (near hospital experience)

2011-11-22T15:46:00.001+08:00

maybe i don't give myself too much attention that even a crucial episode in my alone-life i almost forgotten to chronicle. mas nauna pa yung lcd and the gastronomic trip keysa ito. hehehe. in fact, it just came to mind when last sunday xtian called me up from the province where i also got to talk to my cousins and mamang. it was in my conversation with xtian's mom that i mentioned in a matter-of-factly about the near hospital experience two weeks ago.

i felt nothing unusual during the day and on to the time i bid muffin goodnight after reminding him not to make pupu or pee inside the house during the night.

i remember, it was quite warm in the room that i needed to switch on the aircon and set the timer to 2 hrs. i knew that by then i would have caught up with sleep and the temperature in the room would not matter anymore. it was nine in the evening and everything set for smooth and easy nocturnal trip including a soft music from the player.

hours later i was jolted from sleep hindi dahil mainit na sa room. the aircon is mum. the player is still playing. and everything inside stood still in the dark. including myself. it was not a case of bangungot. hindi ako makagalaw because of the pain that's coming from my abdomen. a slightest movement brought excruciating pain that's tearing my being apart. sobrang sakit talaga. it was the first time that i ever experienced such pain.

hoping and praying that it was something like kabag, i forced myself to adapt to different positions. shit, to no avail. sooner i realized that sitting on the bed was far more better than lying. the pain was relatively bearable sitting.

it's a fact that sleeping is not a problem to me. i am the type who can sleep anytime and anywhere or whenever inspiration hit me. hindi namamahay. kesehodang nasa sasakyan at malubak ang dinadaanan. but that moment i just couldn't bring myself to sleep while sitting.

not because i strictly adhere to the boy scout motto: laging handa, but i always see to it that the travel bag in the car has the essential hygienic items including tshirts panlabas at pantulog, undies, boxer shorts, hankies and even socks. of course meron ding kikay kit: deo, facial wash, shower gel, powder. i also have at two pairs of shoes and slippers in the back compartment for comfort and ease. bigat kaya ng laging naka-safety shoes sa work throughout the day. hahaha. besides in my kind of work, especially during summer, kailangan magpalit ng tshirt at mag wash-up. kung hindi para kang paksiw na may sukang pinakurat pagdating ng tanghali.

2am and the pain still didn't nudge a bit. feeling woozy from lack of sleep, i decided to drive myself to the hospital. de la salle is no more than 5 mins drive from my place. i tried dragging myself out of bed but i just couldn't walk. sobrang sakit. nakakahingal na sakit.

rousing the neighbor from sleep or summoning a friend at such an ungodly hour was way nakakahiya. even if it was a matter of life and death. siguro i'd rather expire na lang. hahaha. besides, ok, granting may darating nga, how can i let them in ni hindi ko nga kaya maglakad how much more navigating down the stairs pa!

i resigned. what can happen will happen anyway. i stayed on the bed sitting. awake till 6am when the pain somehow gave up on me and subsided to a tolerable level. it was then that i gathered my pillows and headed downstairs. lunged them on the sofa and prepared tea for breakfast. i'm no pill popper, i'd rather go on water therapy instead, kaya tiniis ko ang sakit magdamag than take non-prescribed meds.

it was the longest one hour sleep that i ever had.

i phoned in sick. i saw a doctor later in the day. gallstone, liver, pancreatic problem. he couldn't tell. 14 caps of parazole plus to be taken once a day and a referral for an ultrasound test is all. no alcohol and cigarettes the doctor quickly added. i violated the former on the 12th and the latter on the 10th day. though in moderation, if that will count at all.

i completed the doses yesterday and the ultrasound test i am yet to take. walang time e. meron pang 'fasting' preparations and considering that i need at least a day to do it all including the results. hayz.

then the pain came back again today. not as intense as when it first happened though. just a pricking sensation this time. i searched the net for possible side effects of parazole and from what i gathered parang palliative lang din. babalik at babalik ang spasm including hyperacidity after quitting the meds.

now i'm considering ultrasound.

adobo part 2

2011-11-21T09:45:00.001+08:00

aside from watching current affairs and similar talk show programs on tv and my fascination about the animal kingdom, cooking shows almost always catch my attention. simple, quick to prepare and my familiarity with the ingredients is my only yardstick in trying the menu.

i almost totally missed the cooking segment in a local program last week. it was in the middle of the show when i tuned in and the host with the guest chef were already simmering the chicken. i gathered later that it's adobo they are cooking. what piqued me was the mere mention of one of the main ingredients, sukang pinakurat. never heard about it before. my ignorance. then there was also the twist (they won't showcase it on tv if it's just one of those 'ordinary' adobo): chicken liver sauce!

funny but my taste buds has this peculiar arousal activation control by mere mention of the fusion of condiments. i couldn't relate to pinakurat but it somehow stirred my curiosity when the host, upon tasting the simmering stock, commented that it's a maanghang. and when the chef saute the chicken liver in the butter, i knew it's gonna taste differently. and it was enough reason to dirty the kitchen once again.

adobo (puti) with chicken liver sauce

chicken and pork (adobo cut)
chicken liver
olive oil (my preference over cooking oil)
margarine or butter
onion
garlic
sukang pinakurat (sweetened - my preference parang mejo chinese taste)
salt, pepper (to taste)
water

Pan #1
1. saute chicken and pork in olive oil and garlic until brownish
2. add salt and pepper
3. put water (if necessary), just enough to cook the chicken
4. add sukang pinakurat and simmer until cooked

Pan #2
1. saute chicken liver in butter/margarine (with a little olive oil) and onion
2. add salt
3. put water, just enough to cook the liver
4. transfer into a bowl and mash

add mashed liver in pan #1 and cook to desired consistency.

enjoy.

boob tube

2011-11-18T16:14:00.001+08:00

work was hectic when rob appliance (dasma) was on sale the entire month of (was it)...july? since then i gave them a rain check regularly just in case another sale comes around. they do have discount offers every now and then but none of those proved appealing to me.

i was just interested in one item. samsung 32" ldc tv with a dainty bezel that looks like a crystal border (actually it's just a thick acrylic plastic...boy, what appearances can do). but not without a 'free' home theater. of course i know that it's not really free in the truest sense but still the sound of it is enough to wash away whatever guilt that i may have for letting go some P24k+ for an idiot box. hehehe.

pacman's fight last 13th november was a mere coincidence how i finally carted away the lcd tv the day before. it was a usual grueling day at the office the whole morning of 12th november. i practically strained my eyes on the computer finalizing quotations for the clients. the phone-in concerns from different sites divided my focus and concentration. as soon as i was done with all the paper works, i was hurrying again to go to the site only to realize that i haven't had lunch yet. in fact, nothing solid and substantial in my tummy since breakfast.

robinson's mall was a convenient stop. besides i also needed to pickup some items from handyman. rob appliance center is next to handyman and the foodstalls are down the corridor. it's inevitable to go to the food stalls without passing by the appliance store from handyman.

lo, and behold. assorted lcd tvs are all parading right at the entrance of the store. some have bundle offers while others got outright discounts. ok...ok...they are old models but for P17k and above, 32" all, they are still a good buy if not the best. i was instantly zapped inside, keeping my grumbling stomach in check. sony's still expensive for me. anything more than P25k actually IS unreasonable. hehehe. my hunch was telling me that samsung has a good deal but i kept my curiosity at bay and decided that it'll be my last stop. lg is um-um. sharp looks ok...but. devant (was it?) didn't deserve a second review. and finally...samsung.

it was a toss between lcd and led. the latter should be it. but then again, my criteria for bringing home a tv is only with a free home theater system. hahaha. babaw ko talaga. a 32" led is P26k+ if my memory serves me right. and anything extra is additional cost. with a home theater it would be like P30k+. unreasonable!!! it's the 32" lcd that goes with a 5.1 home theater system plus additional discount of P1,300. and the clincher: it's a wee bit below my threshold of P25k.

no brainer.

i know that the samsung home theater is just a temporary fixture at home...until i have my trusted harman kardon ampli got fixed. there's an annoying problem with the intermittent audio output. good thing about the samsung 5.1 black cubic speakers is they come in handy, small, and therefore certified space savers. pero ang linis ng sound quality. at the price of P4.5k if bought separately, panalo na. nestling them on top of my jbl speakers was never obtrusive.

the set up was almost perfect until i realized that i got no place to keep the 29" philips flat tv that used to lord over the living room. i only have two room in my rented apartment now and each room has a tv. i can replace any with this relatively bigger size but still there would one odd out. there's no space either in the storeroom. selling any of the three isn't easy that i can lick them at the snap of a finger. sure i can dump the philips in another room but for how long will it be a blight?

honestly, i didn't forsee this glaring scenario when i considered replacing the tv at the sala. my handicap. in my line of work i was trained to have an eye for details a-l-w-a-y-s but i seem to gloss over it in my personal life. hay ang clutter ko.

last resort. (parang supreme court lang, hahaha) i called up some friends who would be willing to adopt a tv. for the meantime at least. pinasa ba ang kalat sa iba? good thing there's one who did! but not the philips. it was quite heavy and bulky to boot. hauling was the problem. hahaha. philips stay. the poor 24" samsung from one of the rooms has to go.

i know the expenses don't stop with having an lcd tv. i need a cable connection to maximize the potential of the unit. after comparing prices, performance (according to colleagues) and the program channels under the corresponding plan, i settled for dasca (dasmarinas cable), a local provider that offers 100 channels for a straight monthly fee of P500. not bad. not bad at all. after all, i'm not big in variety shows, sports, drama series. i'm after in news channels and docus. movie channel pwede rin but not much. more often than not nakakatulugan ko. hahaha. that's the very reason why i stock on dvds. kasi kahit anong oras pwedeng balikan where i left off.

except for the PIP function which i don't know how to activate so far (it remains 'grey' in the menu or maybe the model that i bought doesn't carry the said feature), samsung LA32D550 together with the bundled 5.1 home theater system met my expectations.

war of the titans

2011-11-04T18:14:00.001+08:00

they have been living a glamorous life and a lifestyle only the rich and famous can afford. they were born with the proverbial golden spoon; their future has long been laid on an elegantly cushioned red carpet, long before they were born. they were chauffered to expensive schools, not necessarily the best though, that the country can offer. they dine in places fitted for a royalty and strut around town in designer garb.

they have money. lots of money that mere mortals can only dream of. nannies are there waiting at home and PAs in tow when their wheels roll beyond the gate. they are housed in an air conditioned villa, not so common in a country where electric bills are the bane of people's existence. they sleep with socks on. no wonder when confused you may find them in the streets wandering aimlessly without sleepers but not without the socks on.

they may be young. some barely legal. but their family's political influence is pervasive. no one would deliberately cross their way if you value life, your life.

but even demi-gods have hearts too where venomous greed thrives. greed knows no kin.

dangerous times

2011-10-20T15:49:00.001+08:00

as i knew it, it all began with...

teen-age lovers committing a crime of passion,
a jilted wife trooping to the mall killing her husband (and wounded a security guard).

then it grew in my consciousness. the series of unfortunate events were followed by equally gruesome incidents...

an entire family massacred in san pablo,
a missionary priest killed by an unidentified motorcycle riding assassin far down south,
a father killing his wife and children, save for one,
a mother gunned down by his son (the latter then turned the barrel unto himself and pulled the trigger),
a student of uplb gang-raped, robbed and killed,
a policeman shot by another in their own house. the suspect, his wife, surrendered to authorities,
19 soldiers, in the wake of the truce, killed by milf rebels in mindanao,
a so-called serial killer roaming in one of the subdivisions in quezon city and still continue sawing fear among the residents has killed one computer shop habitue with an ice-pick,

today in the news...

a guy shot along congressional road in quezon city by unidentified gunmen,
a man jumped to his death from the fourth floor of robinson's imus.

this is only what i heard on the radio and read in the newspapers. certainly there were more and the list might still grow in the coming days.

the spate of killings in the past weeks has become increasingly alarming. the guns of today is equivalent to the 'indian target' of the 50's and 60's, it has become a popular weapon as if they were handcrafted in every home by almost everyone including pre-adolescent kids or apparently it has become so cheap it can be had from sidewalk or ambulant vendors selling cigarettes on the streets.

what is becoming more alarming are members of the family gunning down each other over family issues. it seems that people these days are more short-tempered and don't believe in power of diplomacy anymore in solving conflicts.

life has also become so cheap. we can't rely to mamang pulis anymore to guarantee our safety. before our parents would warn us not to stay out late at night, the streets are not safe. now, even in the confines of our home we can't be sure anymore about our safety. we can't no longer trust even our father, our wife, our son, our daughter, brother or sister. we seems to be living in dangerous times that even to our self we pose as potential threats to our very life.

FM

2011-10-19T13:30:00.002+08:00

what's happening to our FM stations these days?

i can count with my fingers those that are true to the traditional FM broadcasting. gone were the days when FM airwaves played nothing but music 24hrs a day. gone were the days when the spiels come far between. gone were the days when FM stations play music according to specific genres. if you dig rock, there's a station that caters to it. if the sting of senti mood got the better of you, there's one that plague the air with all mushy tunes.

there are still stations that exclusively dedicate a particular airtime, say, for rock n rolls and the next for homegrown talents. but they are more of an exception than the norm. what we have today are AM sounding FMs. i have nothing against tagalog speaking djs or the news channels on FM band. after all, the masses are able to relate to them very well.

what makes me uncomfortable with FM stations in general are the screaming 'becky' djs and the becky sounding anchors (or trying hard to sound like one). again, i have nothing against beckys on radio, they are 'sisters' after all. hehehe. what i can't take and understand, why they need to over-do their acts on the air. what are they trying to prove? that people should be more indulging and forgiving of their lapses because they are beckys? there has been sincere efforts by decent members of the 'confideration' trying to correct the twisted stereotypical profile of beckys in general and raise the bar of broadcast journalism, but these laud air-gnomes are potently doing a deservice in achieving the noble objective. they don't help at all.

then there are the screaming djs whose expertise are limited to spewing double entendre. their spiels are almost always followed by canned impish laughter or that onomatopoeic sound (toink!) and usually to the delight of their listeners. some reporters trying to sound 'cono' (with enye on the 'n') are overdoing the 'r's giving it an 'airy' sound when saying the word: radyo (wrahdyo), siguro (sigurhow), etc...

then there's the joke-time where gags are being delivered by adults disguising as dumb kids. i can go on and on with my frustrations with the way current FM stations are airing. but the fact still remains: they are being patronized by the listening public. and in the ratings game, it's not what you give, it's how much of the pie you take. nevermind if you sound senseless, gross, or imbecile.

if these irritant FM stations can't get their acts together and 'reform', i thing the KBP has to do something to put an end to all these kahibangan. before it's too late.

adobo by any other name...

2011-10-17T16:34:00.000+08:00

funny but if there's one recipe that i'm really 'afraid' of tweaking in the kitchen is, hold your breath, the very pinoy adobo. adobo's versatility in taste cuts social classes and ages. it has conquered every turo-turo, canteen, restaurant and even the snobbish enclave of five-star hotels. i know that i can't go wrong. cooking adobo is like having sex as they say. different styles, different ways. hehehe. but perhaps it's the adobo's popularity and numerous variations both in taste and character (at least one in every province) that ironically make me quite uneasy.

in our household, xtian was the master in cooking adobo. i don't know how he did it, but every time he cooks adobo it's so yummy (at least for me) that i deliberately skip counting my servings of rice. there was a time that he accidentally poured half of the container of rock salt into the simmering pork 'confit' but he was able to neutralize the taste of dead sea with sugar and still came up with a winner.

one time i told xtian, after reading some tips in the internet, about mixing 'blendered' raisins for a thicker gravy and added tangy flavor. believe you me, it was heaven!

alas, now that i'm fending myself alone, there's no choice but cook for myself. experimenting is more like it. anyway, i just have myself to disappoint or satisfy. but then again, whenever i'm disappointed with the outcome of my experiment i still put on a satisfied face. ganun lang naman yun. hehehe.

the weekend that passed, i hurled out the contents of the freezer. there were ox tails, liempo cuts, adobo cuts, chicken thighs, beef cutlets, and a pack of frozen, frozen tilapia and bangus. the fishes looked so stale even in its frozen state you wouldn't waste time figuring out where it should go. straight to the bin. but the meat and poultry items were still 'cookable' hehehe.

i sent xtian a lengthy text asking how to cook adobo his way. his reply was encapsulated in two lines. i felt embarrassed. i called chiding him for over-simplifying the procedure. and he simply laughed at me for sounding too serious and stiffly tense.

i was tensed. my gulay. i can't explain the feeling. it's like i was taking the board exams all over again. if my memory serves me right, the last time i cooked adobo was when in dubai. it didn't help that i had mamang on the other line all the time. imagine how much that one kilo adobo had cost me. and yet, with all honesty, i wasn't satisfied at all.

now, after so long here i go again wanting to unleash my frustrations with adobo. i had all the ingredients that xtian asked me to prepare. in fact i had them all, including the meats, in the casserole. but my rebelling spirit took the better of me. i decided to take a different route. replaced the main, original ingredients with its contemporary equivalent. going against the norm somehow calmed my nerves. extricating from a restrictive feeling is truly liberating, even in cooking.

worcestershire sauce for soy. oregano for laurel. apple cider for suka. and to top it all, a drizzle of rice wine for a decadent twist. ooops, there's also the gluey raisins.

after an hour of slow cooking, the meat, especially the pork and chicken was 'dismembering'. the beef was tender-firm. salt and vinegar taste was just ok for my taste. it was time to turn off the stove.

there was no strong smell of laurel wafting the air because i put none hehehe. instead, the earthly smell of oregano filled the kitchen. i think i had 1/4 of mccormick bottle that the adobo looked like binagoongan except that instead of pink there were tiny specks of dark greens all over. hahaha.

finally it's kainan time.

taste was...mmmm....ok (even if it's not???). there's a sweet hue in the taste intermingling with dry alcohol. slow cooking sucked up the flavors into the strands of the meat which is quite fun. as expected, the oil from pork fats almost soaked up the meat. since i shied away, yet again, from rice diet, wheat bread goes well with the 'confit' too.

then i realized, except for the meats and garlic, it's not adobo after all. not a 'pinoy' adobo. oregano, rice wine, apple cider, raisins...it's an 'international' adobo!!!

heck, still an adobo, anyway.

(paraphrasing w.s.: an adobo by any other name would taste as great! :))

random hits

2011-10-13T18:03:00.001+08:00

my thoughts on some issues that i have seen on tv and heard on the radio lately:

1. on bang-bang and mr. llamas - pnp has revoked mr. llamas privileges permit to carry an ak-47 rifle outside his residence pending investigation of the mishap, what's next? hula ko lang...those aides will be indicted but llamas will come out with clean hands.

2. on marcos' hero's burial - is imee and bongbong really serious about their gripes against noynoy for emphatically denying a hero's burial for the late ferdie? or are they two simply putting on a show too, their version this time? after all that had happened, do the marcoses expect the aquinos to simply dismiss the issue that has ruined their lives simply just like that? to let bygones be bygones? ferdie dies a natural death, while ninoy died under ferdie's watch. C'mon. o siguro iniisip ng mga batang marcos that their loyal followers 'expect' them to at least 'say something' kaya they were 'coerced' to rebut. minus the stinging words, bongbong might have won public sympathy instead.

3. erap's aid to baseco community - too late the hero? nevertheless, a hero, still a hero in the eyes of the masa.

4. no permit, no exam - onga naman. for those who don't allow their students to take the final exams because they are yet to settle their accounts with the school...spell compassion. you expect your graduates to be humane, socially responsible and compassionate when what you are showing is the opposite of what you are teaching them. or is this just a case of it-depends-which-boat-you're-on?

5. dancing the cha-cha - once more with less feelings? i guess the principals behind the move is not really serious about their steps. they just wanted to test the waters. better luck next time, and the next, and the next...sabi nga when the student is ready, the teacher will come. siguro pagmakikita na ng tao na hindi self-serving ang ihahain nyo baka kagatin na. but until such time...keep on trying.

6. san pablo massacre - grabe, a 22-year old killing almost the entire household, including a 2-month old child!!! are we becoming a nation of violent citizens instead of nurturing ones? have we grown so weary with our justice system that we are quick to take justice in our own hands?

7. cgma - i personally wish her a quick recovery. i think everybody does regardless of which side you are in the controversy. para masagot na rin nya ang mga paratang at ma clear ang name nila.

8. bacoor bank (masuwerte) heist - di sila sinwerte this time (just kidding).

9. coming long weekend - huh??? meron ganun???

i (don't) know what happened this morning

2011-10-12T17:51:00.002+08:00

it was raining when i left the site and it was still when i got to the office. the uneven, open pavement from the parking to the office was strewn with puddles of water. i didn't notice MP, our president and wife of our boss, was right under the canopy outside the main entrance. strange though because MP seldom spend the afternoons in the office. but when i saw her car earlier at the parking i knew that she's in.

"hay dan, wala yun, kaya natin yan," her motherly gestures of rubbing my back caught me off guard. i wasn't sure if she was trying to comfort me or wiping off the rain on my shirt.

"ano po yun, maam?" i couldn't conceal the puzzled look in my face.

she walked behind me to the narrow lobby. workers littered around 'looking' busy trying to sort things out. the head of our hr dept was at the helm dressing up the office for an early christmas-y air. when i was about to turn left going to the comfort room for a leak, i couldn't help but turn my head back at MP while trying to make sense of what she said.

pardon my irreverence but i thought that there's no other way of knowing what had happened to 'me' than catching the fish in the mouth, of course with gentle persuasion. i instinctively traced my way back to where i left MP. i found her standing at the door of the hr office and when our eyes met she gave me an emphatic heads up, "alam ko yun."

i don't know how the completion certificate that i was holding gently gazed on MP's elbow... it was too late to take back my hand, "maam, ano po yun?" i could hear myself begging.

"di nga ba...yung nangyari kaninang umaga? wag mong dibdibin ha? wala yun."

i still couldn't get it. i was in the office early, alright. i prepared one quotation. called the warehouse for any last minute pahabol na materyales from the foreman. updated the boss for work accomplishment and gave him a rundown of my sched for the day. had my nicotine fix before hitting the road.

"ano pong nangyari, maaga po ako nag-site kanina."

MP's eyebrows, in quick cadence, formed a single line on her forehead, eyes grew wider...questioning me and at the same time debunking what she knew.

suddenly the world stopped turning; time stopped ticking away. everyone's attention was caught by the red, green, blue and silver balls bouncing randomly on the tiled floor. the box holding them, as if it has a mind of its own, just let lose the shiny round things.

insensitive

2011-10-05T13:22:00.001+08:00

we've been there and done that. it's one thing to be consciously uncaring for others' feelings and another for being unintentionally numb. but either way, knowingly or unknowingly, we still hurt the other person.

performing a quick examination of conscience last night before retiring to bed, i somehow felt a sting of guilt about what i have been doing lately. there's nothing wrong about looking after oneself, right? but in the wake of a calamity where thousands of people were rendered homeless and hundreds stuck on their roof with nothing to eat because of flooding, spending a good amount of money on diet foods is somewhat falling off to the eccentric side. and as if it were not enough, i sometimes get myself to talking about my new regimen without considering the plight of our brothers in the flood covered areas.

what's ironic about this trimming regimen is the very effects of days of irresponsible binge-ing in the past. now, the ghost is fast catching up on me and i'm running scared. ironic because i spent considerably on buffets and experimental sessions in the kitchen, now i'm spending more just to shed those excess pounds i gained. and while i'm into it i'm feeling guilty for being so numb to the plight of the flood victims. nuts.

i guess it's about time to get my acts together and act responsibly. indeed, nothing good comes out of too much.

temperance is the way to go from hereon. so help me god.

harbinger of rain

2011-09-28T16:56:00.000+08:00

half of the day i spent in the site. and since i'm back here in the office i have done nothing but prepare quotations for the clients. now that i'm done with the data sheets i would like to unwind a bit by talking to my blog. hehehe.

it's about muffin. and the thing i've discovered about my shih tzu pet. i was pleasantly surprised at his weather radar. muffin should be working for pag-asa and not serve as a barker at the gate. with his petite size and amiable looks no one really bothers about him. no matter what crankiness he does. but something caught my attention lately.

pansin ko lang. hours before it rains, he would keep banging the screen door continuously hard as if pleading, actually demanding, that he be let in inside the house. whenever he throws such tantrums asahan mo uulan yan maya-maya. iba din ang kalampag nya sa pintuan pag gusto lang nya papasukin at makipagharutan sa akin. if he's in a playful mood, muffin would simply jump up and down at the door outside, just enough for his head to be seen over the zocalo, hoping to get my attention.

others say they knew it's going to rain if cockroaches start running around in the open. wala naman ipis sa bahay so i wouldn't know if it's true. for others it's the goat. hirap maghanap ng kambing sa paligid ng tinitirahan ko. still some say the ants would know better. e, nai-chalk ko na rin lahat ng mga langam sa bahay.

what i have is muffin. and so far his predictions never miss.

tantrums

2011-09-27T10:13:00.001+08:00

ayan nagtampo ka naman. ang sungit mo. kahapon ka pa ng hapon. umpisa na di ma-drawing mukha mo. iniwan ko nga ang site at umuwi ng maaga kagabi. mag mo-mall sana ako para bumili ng pants pero hindi. dumirecho na ako sa bahay.

inconsolable ka. sa di ko alam na kadahilanan tuloy ang pag iyak mo at wala akong magawa, kaya ayun prito ng tinapang galungong, gumawa ng simpleng salad: kamatis, sebuyas at sinabuyan ng herb vinaigrette dressing; minaykro ang kalderetang pato na binigay ng kapitbahay last sunday, kumain at nanood ng tv. kahit si muffin apektado ng tantrums mo. panay ang kalampag sa pintuan. pinapasok ko at dun pinatulog sa loob ng bahay, di bale mejo mabantot na ang amoy, ini-spray ko na lang ng cologne nya.

830pm nasa kama na ako. wala ng ilaw sa bahay. ang tanging buhay lang ay radyo sa kwarto, bintilador at diwa ko. buti at malamig ang klima tipid sa aircon ng ilang araw na. pagdating sa tulog di talaga ako magugulangan. ilang saglit pa at nahimbing na ako.

ngunit nagising ako mga 3am. nagulat ako sa pagdadabog mo. mas lumala ata ang init ng ulo mo. siguro dahil sa di ka pinapansin. e ano naman mangyayari kung papansinik ka. ikaw yung tipong di basta naalis ang tampo sa simpleng suyo. napansin ko rin nakatulugan kong mejo malakas pala ang volume ng radyo. simula nun mababaw na ang tulog ko. dahil na rin siguro sa maaga ako natulog. naririnig ko ang kalampag mo ang paminsang-minsan na panaghoy.

ano bang dapat kong gawin? kung may magagawa lang sana ako para huminahon ka. naiisip ko na kung patuloy na ganito ang mood mo mahihirapan ako sa pagpasok. at ganun na nga.

hirap ng may sumusunod sayong sama ng loob. dahan-dahan na nga ang pagmamaneho ko pero muntik na akong ma-aksidente. kung di huminto ang bus sa harapan ko para kumaliwa sa terminal nila malamang nahagip ang kotse ko ng lumipad na putol na sanga ng kahoy. whew!

hanggang ngayon sa opisina di mo ako nilulubayan. patuloy ang pagsusungit mo. kinakalampag ang mga bintana. basa ang kapaligiran. walang kuryente (generator ang gumagana).

wala nang silbe kahit mag-alay pa ako ng itlog kay sta. clara para harangin ang pagdating mo.

andito ka na nga, pedring.

bangag

2011-09-23T15:38:00.002+08:00

in my kind of work, days and weeks unravel so fast that before i knew it another month is already gone. meeting deadlines, addressing pressing work related concerns and mobilizing for new projects set the pace of my days. even my sundays are not spared. if i happen to be free, the house gets a clean-up and tydying and muffin his much needed grooming. but even the house chores and errands can be quite stressful, too. i mean it's a herculean task putting eveything back in place and giving the dwelling at least some semblance of order in just a day. i make a conscious effort though to minimize the clutter at home during weekdays lest it would all come back to my face in my off day but just the task of sweeping and mopping the floors, wiping off dusts and scrubbing the walls in the toilet can already take up half day. whatever tasks i can squeeze in for the remaining hours i try doing them in a jiffy. kulang sa oras.

when was the last time i've leisurely combed the streets of manila? eons ago. it's as if manila is a plane ride away from cavite hahaha. umm...yups, last aug 5 when mamang and my cousin visited me briefly. i took them out to dinner at the army and navy burger joint in ccp complex. daig ko pa ang pok-pok. i'm only available 9pm onwards. hahaha.

but before that burger-taco dinner, the most recent that i been to manila at daytime (hehehe) was on a food binge trip with red to binondo. and that was in the month of may pa ata! as for now wishful thinking na lang ang gagala sa manila.

one thing, i fear driving around manila and nearby cities. it's really stressful. what with the today-two-way-the-next-day-one-way-streets and the u-turn designated slots that keep 'moving' from time to time not to mention the undecipherable directional arrows on the road that are actually imaginary or non-existent but the blue boys would keep insisting, "ang linaw-linaw ng marka sa kalsada, hindi nyo po ba nakikita?" oh, well, nalinaw na malinaw na kotong, your face!

even going to tagaytay, which is just 30 mins drive away from my place, is a now a luxury, time-wise. i miss the scenery of taal on clear days and even that eerie and claustrophobic feel on dark foggy days.

whenever melancholy strikes me i would just simply flip through the pages in my mind, albeit with guilt, and savor the exquisite pata tim and the sinfully yummy grilled chicken mango salad with papaya sauce at balinsasayaw (which incidentally is quite near the office but in the opposite side). well, the food at pamana has always been worth the petrol especially the it-melts-in-the-mouth kalitiran. even the noble tawilis, crunchy and fresh, never fails to whet one's appetite. of course, there's also army and navy that has quickly found its niche on that gastronomic avenue leading all the way to batangas.

the different choices of pasta at boun giorno in cliffhouse are simply divine and, there's the cozy lover's nook for the romantic souls. in one of our late night dinners i didn't know that i we were sitting next to toni gonzaga's group. and in another occasion with piolo pascual who came to tagaytay on a chopper. he landed on tagaytay highlands for a-date-with-a-star or something. indeed, trabaho lang. piolo had hardly spoken to his starstruck 'date' (of course, a girl!). oh, boy...matagal na ang mga 'to. but cliffhouse in itself is quite a place. the split level parking contributed to the character of the place. oh, yeah, i picked up several house decor before from domicillo.

kung mejo tipid sa budget and all i wanted is to get a natural high (pun intended). joy ride lang katapat papuntang palace in the sky or i segue down talisay where you can see the magnificent panoramic view of taal, all in its naked splendor.

may experience kami ni red jan banda sa laeuna de taal (a filinvest property). as red would put it, kaya daw ang tawag 'laeuna' dahil talagang 'ang layo nya'. anyway, back to the kwento: we were marveling the majestic view of taal when it suddenly rained so hard complete with pyrotechnics and vavavooom!!! the nearest shelter that we could run to was the no-walls waiting shed that also serves as a guard house. rain veiled the street and completely isolated us from the rest of the world. kaya ayun para kaming mga tuko, kasama ng ibang guards, nakasampa sa bench at nakadikit sa poste moving around the post to where we could be less reached by the wet claws of angry winds. grabe yun. but we both had fun (weird idea of fun hehehe).

now, don't ask me where this post is leading me to. wala. this is the best that you can get staying up in the site (sa bubong most of the time) till 12 midnight (i got home past 1am and safely tucked in bed about 2am) tas you need to be in the office by 730am to brief the workers for the next phase of the work in another project. whew.

i'm feeling light. light as the wind. now, my mind is floating as well.

sorry, wala akong kwentang kausap. mas lalo ngayon. :)

100 days

2011-09-15T15:44:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, my body alarm clock went off ahead of my celfone.It was about 515. Thick curtains hanging by the smoked glass windows filteredthe onslaught of the early morning lights. Everything in the room has beenrendered silhouette including me. Everything was still. Including my thoughtsthat were staring at me from the ceiling.

Should I or should I not?

Steady pain is throbbing in my head. Muscles aching. Arid drythroat. And without check my forehead, I could feel that I was steaming off.

I called the foremen reiterating the scope for the dayhighlighting the critical ones. I texted the boss informing my predicament. I alsomade bilin to the office staff who to call and what to documents to expect fromthe clients during the day. at eight, I started calling the clients.

I was left in peace the whole morning nursing my fever.

But then again, at about 10am I started getting restless continuouslyshifting from radio to tv to radio to tv. I’m bored. I decided to unpack thingsfrom the bodega. These are the same plastic bags and travelling bags that were stillleft untouched from the time that I moved from the old house. Yes, it was theirthird monthsary.

I emptied four big black plastic bags of shirts, shorts,pants, pillow covers, blankets, and what-nots and put them in order inside thecupboards (in order is relative, anyways; of course it’s not according to mymom’s standard of oc-ness haha). I alsoemptied three travelling bags of more books, gadget accessories, shades,jackets and caps. It was past lunchtime when I finished them all.

And what’s for lunch? I still got nothing. No leftoverseven. I thawed a cut of tilapia, spiced it up, while cooking rice. While waitingfor lunch to be ready, I found three more plastic bags in the storeroom. A syntheticfig was jutting in one of the bags. The other had rice lights and other fancyblinks in it. While the third had balls in matte and glittering blue, red,silver and gold colors.

100 days to go and it’s kinda too early to dress up thehouse. There’s still plenty of time to do that. For some, yes. But as for me,well, I cannot commit my time to attend to this task once I resume work. We arebooked up and beyond the last day of the year. Yes, we work even on Christmas andnew year’s day, if need be.

As the old adage goes: do not put off for tomorrow what youcan do today. Be it 100 days ahead of time. Hehehe.

Christian, my pamangkin sa pinsan, is in town on assignment.he planed in last Monday. He’s got work to do at the Dep’t. of Energy. Hecalled me up yesterday to say that he’ll be staying overnight in my placetoday. He called me while I was in the middle of doing this…

Funny, but I’m sure he’ll be shocked to find the place inthis order. Not because that it’s too early in the day to spruce up (which I knowit is, hindi naman department store ang bahay hahaha). He’ll be shocked to find out that I finallymade it on my own. Hahaha. He know’s that I’m so tamad, even before, for stuffslike keeping things tidy and neat. How much more decorating!!!

Oh, well, some things change…and I guess some change for thebetter.

Merry Christmas (in september).

Mama's Day

2011-09-08T11:54:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday

man by the roadside

2011-09-06T18:15:00.000+08:00

dressed for office with a computer bag hanging from his shoulder, a man in his early 30's crossed his left hand across his face, palm veiled his right eye, keeping a constant pressure like he was stopping blood from oozing out of the gaping wound. a cellfone was being pressed to his left ear, his right hand keeping it at bay. pain was written all over his crumpled face. agony in his slightest gesture.

indeed he was in such a cumbersome position. if only he had time to duck and cover from the sudden onslaught of the revelations from the one on the other line, surely he would rather not be seen and heard in public. thank god, it was quite early in the morning and the waiting shed has just been emptied by a throng of commuters that all boarded the no-aircon bus.

the man slyly retreated to the back like a combatant before an assaulting brigade. withdrawing from the prying eyes of the motorists. withdrawing from insipient judgment of the passersby. he found an ally in the concrete post. he found comfort in his own desolation.

i found my way out of the potholed road leading to the highway. at my wake a film of dust sealed the story that i will never know.

jolli meal

2011-09-05T21:15:00.000+08:00

oh, boy, whatta day! it has been a long day. my feet are aching. must be the long drive and the darn heavy safety shoes i'm wearing, and that is not counting the number of times i scaled up and down the warehouse in carmona. it was not in my plan (at least i deleted it earlier on) to check the works in rosario but it still proved to be my last stop for the day prior to driving back to the office where i am at now. good thing the boss passed the meal sheet around.

i just thought of blogging while waiting for the jolli-boy. hehehe.

tired, yes. but still, it has been another wonderful and productive day.

thank god.

shooting, shooting

2011-09-02T17:56:00.000+08:00

huh? am i lost or what? blogger page looks strange to me. or is this because i'm being forced to use google chrome after I.E. hang up on me? i was told that blogger updated its page and i simply clicked the 'try it' button. whatever...

any-whyz i'm here just to make a quick rundown of what's been going on at my turf. so...here's goes...

1. we have been working our butts off during the long weekend. as for me, i shuttled between canlubang and sta. rosa. pretty much toxic, but hey has always been fun driving around without traffic. and carmelray skipped collecting P20 toll last monday. yey-yey!!!

2. i had strange encounters (on two occasions) with who-knows-who at, first, of all places, the comfort room of our client in canlubang and, two, right at the parking in front of the building where we are currently running the renovation works for the entire production and warehouse areas. both happened in broad daylight.

3. i got a dinner invitation from a yummy 'friend' but then i had to decline. be...cause...(*sigh)...work sched is not permitting...(*sigh)

4. cooking has been my 'therapy' since i have been going solo. now, don't ask about my weight. hehehe. funny but i could squeeze and find time in the kitchen and not for dating. methinks, sakit sa ulo lang kasi ang date-date na yan. pagnagluto, busog pa ako (in not so carnal way hehehe). this brought me whipping avocado dressing for fish burger and peanut sauce for a chinese appetizer: ground beef wrapped in baguio cabbage. don't ask me the name for the latter, natikman ko lang sa ongpin dati and i just made my own version since.

5. it was difficult to say no to kuya fred, my friendly neighbor. last tuesday he followed me when i got out of the car to the gate and never accepted 'no' for an answer. tagal na daw nya akong hindi nakainuman. pampatulog lang. it was an hour round table session with eric, another guy in the neighborhood and kuya fred's long-time friend. both of them, being the true sons of cavite, gave me a glimpse about the 'real story' around the city. some were amusing others were shocking. i also learned that these guys knew who carted away my washing machine but would not say who 'dahil may masasagasaan sa tropa'. but even if they squeal the name, ano pa kaya magagawa ko? i'm new to the place and i hardly remember even the faces of people around. eric urged me to 'socialize' once in awhile. 'shooting, shooting tayo jan sa court.' muntik akong mahulog sa upuan. hehehe.

6. i'm my mother's boy, after all. now i'm feeling that also inherited diabetes from mamang. urghhh. i know that sooner or later this thing will catch up on me. and perhaps it already did. i'm feeling the itch. blurry vision is more than an age thing. and some other tell-tale signs. but then, sometimes, these ailments are all in the mind. talk about being a psychosomatic. hehehe. i just had a slice of goldilocks cake. we know how sweet goldi products are. now i have this ants-crawling-all-over-me feeling. (*scratch...scratch...scratch)

7. i have a site visit sched on sunday. poor muffin, it's been two weeks with no shower. sabagay, i'm the one who's actually complaining everytime he jumps on the sofa and sidle beside me. i can't help but to shoo him away. last night he got a good spanking after he peed inside the house. my heart aches for him. but as the saying goes...spare the rod and spoil the dog. hehehe.

8. two deaths in a month. first, the supervisor of the moulding section and just a couple of days ago a guard. all work for our client. nature of death: accident on a motorcycle. need i say more? at least they didn't suffer from a debilitating disease. if that's of any consolation.

9. we're having a genmeet today and we are just waiting for all the workers to arrive from different sites.

let me go down for now and socialize. shooting, shooting ba.

another (long) weekend

2011-08-27T07:31:00.000+08:00

for most member of the collected workforce, yes, it's gonna be a long week end starting today. except for some, and that includes myself, who's always on the watch for opportunities when the workplace is devoid of moving shadows and breathing souls. times like these when we can fully strut around and do our thing with less obstructions-slash-interventions.

yes, it's gonna be a working weekend and a holiday for us at the construction site.

so...good luck for us.

some realities

2011-08-20T16:07:00.000+08:00

There are dreams that will never come true

There are sails that will never put out to sea

There are sums that will never be added to

And differences that will never be subtracted from

There are heights that will never be scaled

There are distances that will never be bridged

There are nails that will never get hammered

There are prayers that will never get answered

There are sighs that will get drowned by the silence of the night

There are truths that will never see light

Because…

There is you that can never be mine.

missed call

2011-08-18T08:09:00.002+08:00

nabulabog ang mundo ko kahapon.

i was almost at the door on my way out of the house when i noticed a missed call from my cousin. galing probinsya. kabog!

to cut the chase...mamang was admitted to the hospital.

nagsusuka...sakit ang tyan (must be aggravated by vomiting)...tumaas bp (kakayuko siguro pagsumuka)...di maka-ihi...naka-catheter.

the lab results will come out today.

i'm hoping, actually praying, that nothing really serious. she's been through a lot of 'pain' in her life (emotional, psychological, and now...physical) and if only i could, i would shield her from the all the rest.

get well, mamang...get well soon.

i love you.
********************************

U P D A T E

mamang is finally out of harm's way. thanks for all your prayers. and thank god!

tiding over

2011-08-13T15:25:00.000+08:00

it was all set na kahapon na hindi ako pupunta ng office today. sabado and there's no urgent matter to attend to. kaya kagabi after meeting with the workers for the launching of health and safety campaign nag-aya ako na mag-inom.

past eight natapos ang meeting and i dropped by muna sa bahay para pailawan at magpalit before proceeding to our rendezvous. by quarter past nine nasa watering hole na kami. too bad they don't serve san mig light and i know that my threshold for red horse is relatively low. kaya no choice, nag-tanduay ice ako. saumpisa. but drowning in alcomix with a strong taste of soda simply defies the purpose. kaya before knowing it i was on to my second bottle already.

bakit nga ba?

wala lang. nasa mood lang akong maglasing. di naman ako masalita paglasing na. i just enjoy the banters and listening to stories, ideas and opinions that keep branching out from esoteric to obvious, from mundane to something interesting. at dahil naka-paste na sa mukha ko ang ngiti, lalong sumisingkit ang mata ko na dati ng singkit pag nalalasing ako.

that's the problem. i don't even know why i wanted that sailing moment feeling. or perhaps i know the answers to my own questions except that i don't want to face them squarely hoping that the void will be filled up before i would even know how deep it is.

call it escapism. i call it biding my time. call it prolonging the agony. i call it delaying the time of reckoning. i often resort to this diversionary tactic especially when things are beyond my control and time proved to be the only answer.

did i deprive myself of some sleep-time? yes. did i waste my time? no. because i enjoyed the company of my colleagues. paggising ko kanina naisipan kong pumasok keysa maglinis ng kalat sa bahay. there was no time to dwell on the gloomy side of life even the sun was not literally shining when i left home this morning.

this may appear to be an unconventional way for keeping myself from falling into the dark pits of depression but still undeniably a conscious decision for taking a step forward, however small, and dwell in lighter side.

displaced equilibrium

2011-08-11T16:30:00.001+08:00

exactly one week yesterday. my mom flew back to the province. i know that she's just an hour flight away but still the pangs of separation has been biting my heart again.

i have known separation from mamang in many of its guises: when i entered college, when i worked in manila, when i was based abroad for almost two decades, and this time as brought about by my current predicament. after having said that, therefore, i should not be overplaying this thing about leaving and goodbyes, to the point of being mushy.

i should be acting like a pro already. i should be preaching the gospel truth to others that separation no matter how temporary, prolonged or permanent is just like a typhoon or earthquake; that is a natural occurrence, a disaster if may look at it that way, but still simply the opposite of something we label as 'good', 'happy', 'nice'. separation should be taken with a positive attitude like a welcome anticipation rather than an awkward surprise or, worse, irrational anguish.

i should. it must be so.

but then again, we know that when emotions reign over reason everything goes kaput and the world appears blurry.

i hate feeling under the weather just because mamang is away. or am i just projecting the other 'separation' to mamang being away for now?

too much goodbyes to handle all together.

wearing my heart on my sleeve (again)

2011-08-04T13:44:00.000+08:00

daig pa namin si guy and pip circa 70's. yung galit-bati-galit-bati na bisyo ng dalawa. hahaha. why i'm saying this? kasi heto unofficially 'off' na ulit sa relasyon. di naman kami nagkagalit kaya lang malamang what i said to j the last time we were together didn't settle well with him.

ganito kasi yun.

he's using company sim at nitong nakaraan hindi daw na settled ng kompanya dahil kulang sa pondo. natural walang outgoing si j. pero nung mga unang araw he was able naman to walk an extra mile para tumawag sa public phone para ma-inform ako and also may effort naman makapag-text using another phone sa office nila. and those were his efforts na na-appreciate ko sobra.

later i realized, but still without undermining his effort, na siguro: nag-efort talaga syang tumawag sa public phone nung una at pilit maiparating sa akin ang status ng sim nya kasi baka ma-wow mali akong biglang magtxt o tumawag at naka-leave sya at mabasa ng misis nya. gulong malaki.

ang isyu sa amin ni 'j' kahit nung dati pa, ayaw nya ng 'reporting' style. para sa kanya yung pag ti-text first thing in the morning ay burden kesa yung feeling ng excitement na heto magkakausap ko labs ko. ok, defensive na, pero i don't think that i'm demanding enough para maging pabigat ako sa kanya sa ganitong punto. what i was just asking from him ay mag-text on mondays para magka-alaman kung ano mga nangyari sa isa't isa sa amin during the weekend. imagine saturday and sundays cut off ang communications tapos dadagdagan pa ba ng pagde-dedma pagdating ng lunes?

i tried to explain it to him yet again the last time we met about his being mum for sometime. again. ang punto ko lang is for him to walk his talk. sasabihin nyang mahal nya ako...then 'show' it. di ba?

madali kasing masanay si 'j' hahaha (syempre don't take my word for it 100%, yung lang you'll never get to listen to his side). like pag ako ang laging unang ko-kontak napapansin kong wala na. mag-aantay na sya. na ako. which is quite unsettling sa akin. dahil sya itong may 'time frame' sa itong may 'constraints'. malay ko bang pag-text ko e nasa bahay lang pala sya at misis nya makakabasa.

kaya we agreed na sya ang laging unang magti-text before me. signal yun na ok ang linya until he calls it a day. pero yun nga parusa pala sa kanya yun.

i also explained to him that for every commitment their are an attendant obligations. and one is to keep the lines of communication accessible and open. lalo sa sitwasyon namin na hindi madali at madalas.

i don't know if he can see it my way. palagay ko nga malamang sa hindi. hindi sa pagbibilang and i'm not trying to play the role of an underdog here to win sympathy. sakripisyo ay kailangan minsan kung gusto mong mag-work ang isang relationship. ako on my part, dahil napaka-demanding sa oras ng trabaho ko, i try to grab every opportunity na makakasama ko sya kahit ilang minuto o oras lang. kahit pagod na ako sa trabaho at pagmamaneho at may pagkakataon na magkasama kami, ihahatid ko sya sa kanto sa kanila, rain or shine, maganda man ang takbo o may ngitngit ang sasakyan. and i risk even my own safety pag-uwi considering na maraming madilim na parte ng kalsada papunta sa kanila at colorblind ako.

whenever i could i try to prepare food for us (and at times just for him) para ma-ipakita ko sa kanya how much he means to me. sasamahan ko sya sa friend nya sa pasay magpapa-upgrade ng psp games despite na ngarag ako. and other things which i think not proper to mention anymore lest i sound sourgraping or pathetic.

kung ilalagay ko sa weighing scale ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko para mapaganda ang samahan namin at yung 'reporting' na hinihingi ko tuwing lunes, am i asking too much? lunes lang ang hinihiling kong mag-text sya.

i respect pag sinasabi nyang he needs to be home early kaya hindi muna kami magkikita. o masakit ang ulo nya and he needs to rest (parang pampadagdag ba ako ng sakit sa ulo hahaha).

it has always been him. his convenience.

although he also asks how i want to do things my way pero bago yung sarili ko i always consider him. kaya yun siguro na spoiled nga hehehe at feeling ko taken for granted ako. drama.

pa-martir efek ba? di naman sukdulan. may hangganan din. kaya heto pag napagod ang puso sige rest muna. ilang beses na nagkabalikan after months of keeping our respective peace. may hangganan din ito.

aug 22, friday kami last magkasama. pumunta kami sa bahay. binigay ko ang pudding na gawa ko para sa pamilya nya. nanood sya ng dvd - hatchi, hinatid ko, dumaan kami rob-dasma. initially we set to meet the following day, mag-dinner sya sa bahay. but while we were on the car pauwi sa kanila napagusapan yung tinext ko about 'keeping in touch'. di daw sya nainis. feeling lang nya parang back to square one daw, 'reporting' na naman. sinabi din nya na cancelled muna dinner the next day magta-timekeeping daw sya sa isang client. hinatid ko sya sa sakayan hindi sa kanto malapit sa kanila. nag-smoke muna habang inaantay mapuno ang jeep. we exchanged 'labyu labs'. sabay umalis ang jeep na sinakyan nya at ako. magkaiba ng direction.

all along that night, when i fetched him at his work, when we were at home, when we were at rob, when we were in the car - i had a feeling that it was our last.

life...is 'beautiful' pa rin

2011-07-31T08:02:00.000+08:00

it's sunday at 7am andito na ako sa office. ang aga ko! hehe. dapat magsa-site ako. dapat. magpapalit kami ng magnetic contactor sa capacitor bank ng isang client. pero nagpasabi akong di papasok. pasaway. may ibang agenda ako for today.

hinugot ko ang isang karpintero kasama misis nya for a threesome. yes, you read it right. whole day kaming magti-threesome! nagpa-panic na naman ako. but can't help it. pilit kong inihanap ng tiempo ito nung mga nakaraang linggo pero masyadong in-demand ang presence ko sa project kaya no-can-do. hay, hirap ng working boy, pati personal na obligasyon napapabayaan. yung mga pangyayari sa personal na buhay parang di nasi-sink-in.

kahapon lang. kung di pa ako binulabog ng nakakagulat na balita di pa nayanig ang isip ko.

1. nilooban ako sa bahay ng hindi ko alam. (syempre e kung alam ko baka damsel in distress ang drama ko sa mga kapitbahay! hehe). actually, semi-nilooban lang. na-nenok ang washing machine ko sa likuran. tinastas ang cyclone wire at...weeenngg...tinangay ni spiderman si washing machine. bumalik pa si robin nung thursday ng hapon to lick the spoils kaso na kita ni catwoman (neighbor na may tindahan) kaya nahuli ang binatilyon na sinusungkit ang toolbox ko. hahaha.

ayon panic ako kahapon para bumili ng gadgets hehehe. palalagyan ko ng floodlights (mini lang hehe) na may motion sensor at naka-synchronize ang alarm. tingnan natin kung di mabulabog ang mga magna cum laude na yan. inaalala ko lang baka ako naman kainisan ng mga kapitbahay kasi baka kahit daan ng pusa tutunog ang alarm. pucha!

2. darating si mother dear sa tuesday ng gabi kasama ang pinsan ko. syempre dapat spick and span ang kapaligiran. well-made ang kama at mabango ang kwarto. dapat din na maayos ang kusina at may laman ang ref. dapat tuwid ang mga damit ko sa cupboard. dapat mabango si muffin.

dapat...dapat...

hay.

buti na lang hindi ako naglalaba. hahaha.

buti na lang may nahuhugot akong mga tao para magkumpuni sa bahay. at yung misis nya para mag-ayos at maglinis.

buti na lang.

life is good. pa rin.

2011-07-28T17:34:00.000+08:00

through the fragments of broken dreams
a faint beacon of self-esteem beams
shards lying muted on the floor
i don't need you anymore.

*************

every going and coming
the revolving door keeps spinning
round and round never ending
when will you find it resting?

kalat, selos at iba pa...

2011-07-21T10:27:00.000+08:00

maghapon ako sa office kahapon. sa wakas natuunan ko rin ang pag pa-file ng gabundok na plano at ibang papel ng mga natapos kong projects. lahat ito nakakalat sa harap, likod at tabi ng table ko. minsan kailangan ko pang mag-excuse me sa kanila tuwing papasok at lalabas sa workstation. kulang na lang amagin na sila o konting wisik ng tubig masi-simento na ang mga alikabok para magdikit-dikit ang mga nakarolyong plano. that's one accomplishment i did yesterday and i'm so proud of. hahaha.

salamat sa pag-overheat ng sasakyan ko nung nakaraang sabado. simula nung lunes nasa kamay ng mekaniko ang sasakyan ko at ang gamit ko ay isang 'service' car ng kompany. taka ang mga tao at hindi ako nag-site. hahaha

subalit, datapwat, ngunit...may problema din ang sasakyan na hiram ko. gaya nung isang araw habang pauwi ay dumudulas ang preno, ang taas ng idling, parang nagmumumog ng gas (sa mahal pa ng gasolina ngayon although kompanya din ang may sagot). sa madaling sabi hindi safe dalhin. malaking duwag ako sa ganun. hindi ako mapangahas lalo't hindi malayong makadamay ng iba.

so yun. haba ng pasakalye. may justification pa!

bandang hapon bumaba ako sa workshop para silipin ang sasakyan. alam mo na, presence = pressure sa mekaniko. hehehe. wrong timing. wala. dumaan ako sa warehouse, napag-alaman kong pumunta sa gma si mechanic para sa pyesa. ok.

"sir, mukhang fresh na fresh ka a," bungad ng 'golden girl' na bodegera (as in bodegera) na dagling tumingin sa akin at agad ding bumalik sa pagsusulat sa inventory form.

(huh? pano maging 'fresh' e hapon na bilasa na kaya feeling ko.)

"buti ka pa sir, sarap buhay."

(isa pang 'huh'? anong lasa? gusto ko na magtaray hehe)

wala pa rin akong imik. pinaglalaruan ang mga full threaded rods nakatayo malapit sa pintuan.

"minsan sir, naiisip ko...di kaya nalulungkot si engr. at nag-iisa lang sya sa bahay nila?"

talagang gustong uriratin ang buhay-buhay ko a! at talagang tinigilan ang pagsusulat at inihanda ang sarili sa pakikipag-balitaktakan.

oh, well. di lang nya alam na 'makulay' din ang buhay ko. hahaha.

"ikaw, te, hindi ka ba nagsisi na nag-asawa ka?" friendly ang mukha, sarcastic ang boses.

"hay sir, sa huli talaga pagsisisi...sa huli talaga pagsisis." kailangan ba talagang ulit-ulitin para lang i-underscore ang ibig sabihin?

"ikaw sir wala kang inaalala kung anong oras umuwi, o gumising pag walang pasok...o kaya kelan liligpit ng kalat."

aba...aba...buhay dalaga pala ang gusto eh, kung kelan pa tumanda...

"syempre te, ang bawat choice sa buhay ay may pros and cons. ang importante ay magandang at positibong pananaw at pagbutihin kung ano man ang kinalalagyan."

pucha nagpapaka-philosophical na rin ang dating ko a. dala kaya ng boredom o pagka-walang interes sa pinag-uusapan namin ng echuserang bodegera?

"te, na-ready na ba materyales ni-request ni engr rey para sa sunday?" singit ko para mai-divert ang usapan. wala din kasi akong makausap sa taas. dalawang engr ang andun pero bisi-bisihan pareho. di ko alam kung nagfi-facebook o nag-prepare ng boq.

"ayan sir, pinahahanda ko kay dante bagal nga umalis kasi si dee sinama sa manila..." sabay turo sa assistant nya, kala ko dun na magtatapos ang chikahan, "at yang si sir rey di ba mag-neighbor kami?"

so, ano meron...? hindi na inantay ni chismosang bodegera na susundutin ko ang kanyang pahapyaw na detalye.

at naglitanya na ng marital woes ng tao sa selosa nyang pataba-ng-pataba na misis.

"buti ka pa sir, di mo pinoproblema mga selos-selos na yan wala ka naman pagseselosan at walang magseselos sayo."

hmmm...fishing expedition na ito. sa totoo hindi ako seloso. kahit pa nung kabataan ko. trust at secured ako sa sarili ko. madali akong kausap. kung ayaw na di ayawan na di kita pipilitin at wag mo rin akong pilitin. hanggang ligaw tingin lang ako pag taken na. e kung matisod? di...select the best answer. nasalimuot ang all of the above.

pero si bodegera? hindi ko sya binigyan ng kasiyahang makabingwit. hehe. nagpaalam ako ng maayos at bumalik sa office at nag-search sa net ng mga recipe hanggang dumating ang oras ng uwian.

pag-uwi ko ng bahay nag-freshen up sabay prepare ng veg salad at baked salmon uli. naging flavour of the month ko ata ito hehe. binuksan ang radyo sa 92.3. nakinig sa sakto duo habang naga-halo-halo ba at nag-aabang maloto ang esda ba. nilagyan ng pagkain si muffin.

then it hit me.

honga no?!
home is me and muffin. and the tv. and the radio. and the cds. and the dvds. home is my bed. the couch. the ref. the yet-to-be-sorted black bags. home is the oven. the pots. home is emperador light.

home is no one. but me.

sanayan lang...sanayan lang. (kailangan talagang ulitin para ma-convince ang sarili na ganun nga...sanayan lang! hehe)

wala lang...

2011-07-12T16:44:00.000+08:00

madali akong kausap. lalo pag light ang workload sa office. gaya ngayon. i'm basically 'jobless' hehehe. tapos na kasi mga projects ko and i have been nagging our boss since last week to give me assignments or putting it in another way, go look for projects for me. hehehe.

may mga territory kasi mga engineers sa office. ako, laguna ang na-assign sa akin. plus yung aircon team. nakaka-miss din ang adrenalin rush sa site. yung stress (oo nakaka-miss din ang ma-stress). yung mga calculated decisions na hinihingi ng pagkakataon. yung camaraderie with workers. yung cowboy na set-up mula sa oras ng pagkain pati pagpahid minsan ng pawis sa manggas ng t-shirt, di mo makuhang humugot ng panyo lalo't nakabitin ka ladder o umaakyat sa scaffold. Basta! kaya pag gaya nitong nasa office ako, parang feeling ko 'haaaay'!!!

but that's not what i would like to blog about.

last night jay had dinner at home. he was watching x-men first class on dvd while i was preparing baked salmon head. what a chauvinistic set-up we got, you can say. but not too quick, jay clean the table and wash the dishes after dinner while i scooped the ice cream naman. hahaha.

oh, well...the house that i just moved in recently isn't in proper order as yet. most things are already in place but there are some knick-knacks that just can't simply put my finger on and push them where they should be. i managed to arranged things in the dirty kitchen (it looks clean now hehehe) last sunday while rain was intermittently pouring heavily and santana set the cadence in the house. whutan accomplishment indeed! hehehe. truth is, i'm just bidding my time. superwoman is coming second of august and i'm confident that despite mental atrophy and lackadaisical take on things sometimes she could still do magic around the place. i'm not my father's son for nothing hahaha. kung gaano kasinop si mama ako naman ay hopeless burara. i'm not proud of it tough, but hey, this is me and believe you me, i did try and still trying to pick up just a speck of mamang's o-c-ness but to no avail.

i was planning to bake pudding tonight. i promised to myself to go on diet (when? uh-oh...). i'm beginning to not like anymore what i'm seeing in the mirror every morning. i'm also cutting my nicotine intake. i know it's still too early for a list of new year's resolutions lemme save some for later then. hehehe.

i've caught a new addiction lately. and it has been depleting my budget too. but who can blame me for stocking on blu-ray copy dvd titles, mostly concerts. the picture really come clean and the sound crisp on digital home theater system.but this frenzy is going overboard and needs to be curbed. i know.

muffin is going two weeks now without visiting a pet spa. it is the cologne that keeps his smell bearable. hehehe. but my oh my. it's fast becoming an embarrassment to the neighbors. i mean this habit that he picked up lately. you see i don't allow him to stay inside the house overnight for obvious reasons. i don't have to time clean his mess in the morning. and worst if he did in the carpet. but muffin has a way of manipulating me in his own sordid way. he can be easily led to the porch alright but once it's lights out already and he's outside, he would grate with his nails the aluminum double-door at the entrance and keeps banging the door for all he cares. he would stop once i let him in. whatta brat!

geez, what's all this i'm blabbering about???

nonsense.

i know.

:)

si aling whitney

2011-07-11T16:53:00.001+08:00

i was with jay last saturday after a week of him not showing up. sya ba agad ang hinatulang may sala??? hehehe. this is my blog and i can be irresponsible and partial if i want to without the other person knowing it. (*evil grin). but i'm not THAT evil. so i have to admit that, as 'normal' as it can get between working part time-partners, the schedule is almost always the culprit. kawawa si 'schedule'. sa ayaw nya o hindi sya at sya ang convenient alibi. ooops, i'm not saying that what you read in the preceding lines was all but an alibi.

there are some verifiable facts though. jay worked late last last saturday but not late enough to wait until i finished partying on the occasion of the 8th year anniversary of our company. then sunday came to pass; uneventful. what should i expect on sundays??? hello...it's a family day. and i am not jay's family. he's got a family of his own. and i am not a known close friend to jay's wife, or one mysterious neighbor (ok, i'm an official 'ninong' but even that setup is a bit cloudy in annabel's mind), or a lunatic officemate who can surreptitiously sneak into their living room and engage every member in an animated conversation or give pep talks to kids. ha-ha (and that's being sarcastic to myself!)

monday, a text. from an unfamiliar number. jay's office mobile line was cut due to non-payment of dues by the company. it can accept incoming call and text but no outgoings. hahahaha. jay was asking me if have plans to meet him after work. but he was also quick to add that he kinda wanted to go home early. i got the drift. he texted back: i'm having a bad headache...ingats.

tuesday jay advised me that he's taking a leave of absence. down the line i read that he's staying home. 'staying home', read: don't text me today, ok? ok.

jay was silent as well on wednesday and thursday. i was also busy then at the site. the days passed without me noticing it.

friday, no text received. by about noontime i called him on his (office) mobile. one word was all i said: 'labs...'. it was met by 220 miles per second instruction, explanation, information all rolled into one humongous spiel. when i recovered from the morass of details there was no one on the other end but a flat sound. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm. what i gathered was: jay is still on leave and it's his day off the following day, saturday.

i smelled trouble. not between me and jay. but trouble. in jay's work.

work last saturday was easy. i spent most of the day in the office. took a quick peek at the site and back to office again until uwian time. jay texted me before luchtime. he's at work. strange.

later we met. we talked things over dinner. and yes, there are some kinks at work. i listened and listened well. of the things i advised him, self-isolation when there is trouble at work is a big no-no; you lose by default. a kissing scene inside the car (i dropped him sa kanto papasok sa kanila) capped the night away. there was tenderness. there was hope. hope for us two whatever that means. hope that things will be ok at his work.

rain was not letting up. and it was not showing any sign that it will stop anytime soon. i was driving home slowly down the winding roads when a familiar tune soothingly fill the void in the car. whitney put it so nicely and soothingly, albeit tauntingly, in the words of saving all my love for you.

hay...

bakit nga ba si jay kinukwento ko?

aaaah....must be the weather.

musings on binyagan

2011-06-21T16:24:00.004+08:00

two days ako walang pasok, sunday at monday, gaya ng iba. i consider it maswerte na talaga considering the nature of my job and the demanding sched that goes with it. it's times like these (that i need a juicy fruit hehe) when i can give my full attention to my kalat at home and to my pet, muffin.

kaso, it was not the case, 100%.

sunday i had a commitment with j. who can refuse j if he would insist na gawin akong ninong sa bunso nya. hahaha. well...for the uninitiated, j is officially my bf for quite some time now (a year and a half but not all solid months and days hahaha). the thought of meeting his wife and the kids gave me both excitement and unexplainable shivers hehehe. the first time j asked to be one of the ninongs for max, i asked him to reconsider the choice (well, short of asking him, "alam mo bang sinasabi mo?"). mejo paduday effect daw. but it didn't take long before j put his foot down on the issue. and...as a subservient 'mistress' hehe i followed his leadings without much protest. i'm secured with j. maybe that's one. i trust that he'll not put us in a bad light before the unsuspecting crowd.

so, yun nga. karay-karay ko si 'pulahan' sa binyagan. thanks red for being there during uncertain times. ayun tinrangkaso tuloy. baka mas na tense sya kesa sa akin hahaha.

we tarried awhile but not long enough to commit a faux pas nor fleeting to leave a topic in the midst of wandering conversations. we left j's house after unabashedly taking a couple of trips to the dining table and wolfing down two bottles each of tanduay ice.

you might wonder what was running in my thoughts...at the church, during the ceremony, when i finally met the wife, when i saw the kids (yes, they're all real hehehe), when we were at j's house during the reception...

there were moments that for me feels and looks surreal....air of guilt sometimes brush my oh-conscience...but despite the doubts, a feeling of joy and pride (mabulang-mabula sila hehe) floated most of time considering the unimaginable risks that j had taken to introduce me to his family. of course, kung nagfiling-filingan man ako or nag-dramang dagdagan ng kung anek-anek ng 'kahalagahan' at bigyan ng skewed interpretation (to my advantage of course, hehehe ang swapang ko!) pagbigyan nyo na. moment ko yon.

all's well that ends well.

parang pang fairytale lang, but with j and me mejo predictable ang plot (move over shakespeare, hello tim burton). fact is, we can't be living together under one roof (ayokong may gyera patani). fact is, we only have BORROWED times. fact is, nights would always be cold. fact is, despite the odds, j and i love each other (weeeeeee....cheesy!!!).

now, how to live out that lintik na love that we have for each other within the rigid limiting factors takes not just lots of exciting and creative imagination but a generous dose of trust and a full appreciation of the situation (hmmm...rhyming) that we both find ourselves in.

ah basta ganun. hehehe.

make-over

2011-06-07T08:06:00.000+08:00

this post is long overdue. that i know. but what to do, i've been neck-deep in work. good thing the projects have started wrapping up and i'm just waiting for the final punch list scheduled for tomorrow. i can't wait to take a respite even for just a day before taking on another assignment.

here's a graphic update on what happened to my ass...

nice...nice...

feel good

2011-04-29T09:12:00.000+08:00

how can i explain the stars in the dark stormy nights?

it's...m-a-g-i-c...!

He kissed my ass...

2011-04-27T14:17:00.000+08:00

see damage he brought to my car.

no, the car in front of me was find just trying to find its way around my stalled car. the picture is quite misleading. looks like i actually hit the blue sedan. no, it's the truck (construction supply) behind me that dented my ass. are you wondering how i was thrown that far?

luckily i was not hurt, thank god; i was only jolted a bit from the ordeal.

the accident happened on the 25th of April, the first day of work after the long weekend.

looks like murphy's law was pretty much at work on me that day:

1. i decided to take a quick breakfast at home despite time was telling me at i'll be late for work. (very seldom i take breakfast at home.)
2. when i was opening the gate, i realized that i locked the house keys inside the house. it took me some time breaking into the house and retrieve the keys.
3. i seldom take the short-cut route, the narrow road next to the fire station, leading to governor's drive. that day was one of the few exceptions. i was at the junction inching my way to the left after an oncoming car gave way, but alas, a truck muzzled me from behind just the same.

when i heard the sudden 'bog!' followed by the sound of the glass breaking into thousand pieces, when i felt the extra 'push' that sent me a few meters down the road, i instantly stepped on the breaks and closed my eyes hoping, actually praying, that my hunch was wrong. i was telling myself, 'o, god, please not me...it's not me.' but when i opened my eyes and checked things out on the mirrors...

there was no denying that someone has just kissed my ass.

(the art of ) living alone

2011-04-24T21:00:00.003+08:00

Someday when the longing will prove to be too strong to resist, I will come back to this page if only to revisit a dream…a dream that once became a reality and how it slipped away...

side trips

2011-04-22T13:45:00.006+08:00

Although there was a slight change in the plan yesterday, I thought, somehow, I could still manage to squeeze in a few activities that are in the original plan for the loooong weekend.

Oh, well…almost.

Sta. Ana

True to my word (spiced up by guilt feeling hehe), I went to see my ageing tita in sta. ana, yesterday. She’s turning 92 in august. Except for the declining agility, boy, she could breeze through eye-tests with flying colors. No wonder the word ‘yab-ok’ (dust) was included in our conversation. My tita is a pure-ilonggo speaking matriarch. it’s a no-no for us to speak tagalog in front of her although she can speak and understand the language very well except that she speaks tagalog (or Filipino, for the purists, okays) with a sing-song inflection, very typical of pure-breed ilonggos (perhaps I’m one among the many exceptions hehe, I can easily shift from a tough sounding tagalog speaking pamangkin to a soft, sweet ilonggo hinablos – such a cameleon, I am).

Tita: ‘ti, sin-o upod mo sa balay subong? (so who’s with you at home now?)

Ako: ako lang.

We don’t use ‘po’ but the respect is inherent in the tone of our voice especially when talking to elders.

Tita: ay sus I can just imagine ang mga yab-ok sa balay mo.

(All the while tapping or gently rubbing my arm wrapping her while we are seated in a sofa. I felt I never grew old when I’m around my tita. I would sidle beside her like a child or kiss her head a hundred times during the day. sabagay, I also do the same with mamang to the point ang kulit ko na hahaha.)

Tita: (whispering) tani malapit ka lang diri sa akon mapabuligan ko ikaw sa mga kabulig sa paninlo. (if only you are staying nearby, I can send the helpers to help you out in cleaning)

Ako: it’s ok mom, no worries, I can manage. Sakit gani mom sang hita ko sa bowling namon kahapon.

Tita: ti…ti (hindi bastos to hahaha)…(calling the househelps) abi lily, norma indi kalipati padal-i ni si toto sang kwan long karon. (lily, norma never forget to give him a bottle of kwan long before he goes)

As a doting tita and a second mother she gave me instructions how to use the oil and other ‘bilin’ to keep me well and safe.

Cuz: to, salakyan pa bala ina ang gamit mo? (referring to the dust-cover car parked outside the gate)

Cuz: (calling out and instructing the househelp) Mon…i-pagwa gani ang hose kag tinlu-i ang kotse ni kuya nyo. (mon…get the hose and clean your kuya’s car.

Actually I was supposed to drop by the carwash before proceeding to sta ana but it’s holy Thursday and my suki was closed. Knowing the people in sta ana very well, at the back of my mind, I know I can get a carwash for free, that’s for sure hehehe.

Cuz: si bunso mo (talking to mom) indi pa i-text, indi magbisita sa imo.

Tita: pabay-i lang da, bal-an nga busy, indi bala toto? (let him be, he’s busy, right toto?) again, my tita defending her ‘bunso’ hehehe.

I left sta. ana about 3pm after endless hugging and beso-beso with my tita.

BINONDO (sana)

My left foot was working mechanically, like it has a mind of its own, hopping from accelerator to breaks as it deemed necessary. It only faltered when the car was approaching the junction of roxas and quirino. Manila Bay is calm and placid. The park is decked with people, mostly with families, lazying it out. The boulevard beckons to tarry for awhile, dangling a promise of another spectacular show by sunset.

But it was quite early for the sunset.

I eased my way to the right lane and cautiously turned right at the slot just when the motorists coming from baclaran was about to take another lap heading straight up the whole stretch of roxas blvd. I thought about the street foods in binondo. The Grand House along the estero. The dimsum at Wah Yuen. Though I was not sure if they were open this time. I didn’t want to leave the car just anywhere for security reasons. It took me sometime going around mabini until I found a spot on kalaw. I sweet-talked the security guard of an e-game establishment to keep an eye on the car, “ako bahala sayo.”

I didn’t notice the jeepneys plying divisoria were actually passing right behind me. It’s been a long while since I have been in mabini area. i walked and walked trying to find my way around not making it obvious na para akong asong nawawala. Divisoria…divisoria…I kept kept a mental note while scanning the signboards on the oncoming jeepneys. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I flagged down a fast one and quickly hopped in. the jeep had this round steel bars, the size smaller than my index finger, equally spaced between and running horizontally along the panoramic window that was cut at a level on top of my nape when seated. The rolled up vinyl plastic that shields the passengers from getting wet when it rains and is tucked outside the window, in a way, obstructs the view as well. Inside there’s this claustrophobic air. Or maybe it was just me. It didn’t take long before I realized that I was in the wrong jeep.

“This is not Binondo, this is Avenida!”

Uh-oh! I hated myself for being so tagabukid!

I was weighing my options while trekking the din that is avenida. Again, I can turn back and head for sta cruz church and from there explore the food chains until I get to binondo. Or, I can take another ride from recto to divisioria. I’m sure there are other faster ways to get to my destination but I just don’t know how. The vagrants, the ambulant vendors, the side-walk traders, the monoblock parlors lining the side-walks, the dark (in a macabre sense) alleys (no thanks to the LRT that rendered the place dark and spooky)…it’s suffocating. I needed to find an easy way out…fast.

But not so fast.

For one, I know I’ll be ok in this place as long as I don’t call attention to myself. as long as I don’t step on anybody’s toes (literally and figuratively, that is hehehe). Another thing was, I didn’t want to waste my time and effort and runaway with nothing just because I got lost along the way and I was suddenly in the midst of people I’m not quite comfortable with. So I considered dropping by Ma Mon Luk instead and also as a way of consoling myself. but that is in quiapo. I didn’t want to go through the labyrinth of raon; I opted for a wider, well-lighted conduits.

Still in avenida heading towards recto when a blondie bolted out from among the small crowd lining the sidewalk and tagged along beside me. At first I thought she was offering pedicure/manicure service. But it didn’t take long before I get what’s she’s up to. Her monologue gave her away.

Blondie: kuya, P300 lang.

Ako: (giving her a ‘huh-look’)

B: sige na kuya magaling ang serbis.

A: -

B: babae mga bata pa may 15…16…18 (walang 17? Di na-master ang counting numbers hehehe)

A: -

B: aircon at may dvd na

She was really in a hurry to finish her sales pitch and close the deal.

B: P200 na lang kuya ma re-relax ka pa ikaw ta-trabahuin.

Whew!

A: (continue walking)

Before reaching the end of the block, the clincher.

B: O sige, P150 na lang kuya. Wala na dvd pero aircon pa rin.

This time I was really laughing out loudly inside, if only she could hear. Har-har-har…

A: te, igalang mo naman ang hwebes santo…

B: ano po?

A: ang sabi ko…igalang mo naman ang hwebes santo.

Her pleading spiel suddenly shifted to defensive, albeit self-serving, justification.

B: Bukas pa bawal. Ngayon pwede pa! kaya nga nag-iipon ng boundary ngayon kasi walang kalakal bukas!

She left my side and approached another prospect a twenty-something coming from the opposite direction.

The funny but sad realities in avenida. I remember during my time, the red-lips, kururio-powdered ladies were mostly confined within miserecordia street. They would call out to boys my age, “totoy, halika binyagan kita…” what I encountered in avenida before were BS boys selling bedtime story magazines, the poorman’s version of playboy. But they permanently faded out from the underground market when tabloids were introduced in the mainstream and eventually gained public acceptance together with their sex themed stories and erotic photos of starlets on the cover to boot. Times are a-changing, indeed. Even the marketing ploys of those people in the flesh trade have evolved from semi-passive to overly aggressive.

Well, my trip to Ma Mon Luk proved to be another dud. The restaurant was closed. I took a ride back to kalaw tired and hungry.

Most of all, I missed the sunset.

a minor change in the plan

2011-04-21T09:19:00.001+08:00

i had three sites under my watch this holy week (except on friday).

that was days before when our big boss was yet to cancel all skeds from today until sunday. and he announced it only yesterday at the eng'g and operations dept mini-bowling tourney. everyone panicked trying to make sense out of the pronouncement which came in a little too late. too late to draw out well-thought plans for the weekend.

still, what a relief!

if those succeeding strikes and spears scored even by neophytes in the lane where of any indications, i'm sure everyone had this 'euphoric' feeling welling inside them knowing that somehow we would know the meaning of 'long weekend' even if we would just be simply staying idle at home.

suddenly my mind gone auto-mode filling me with things that i have been yearning most and things that i sorely missed...

1. mamang and how i wish i could fly home to the province and spend four days playing a doting son once again. hug her no end even while sleeping. and yes, smelling her wearing green tea cologne even during bedtime hahaha. since Alzheimer's hit her, she uses scents indiscriminately including applying them on the face as toner of sorts.

2. pack things at home.

3. hike around binondo, food bingeing.

4. pack things at home.

5. cook pasta and putanesca sauce (fresh tomatoes are coming cheap these days, perhaps the only relief to the pocket after the series of oil price hikes).

6. pack things at home.

7. watch a 3-D movie in the theater...shame on me but i haven't been to a 3-d movie yet. the last time i was tempted to i had second thoughts. the ticket price was prohibitive hehehe.

8. pack things at home.

9. bake pudding. one of my comfort foods. i got quite a variation of puddings but what i like whipping most is the one with a generous dash of cinnamon powder and overdose of vanilla syrup hahaha.

10 pack things at home.

11. watch sunset at the boulevard and stay on till sunrise at syempre kasamang inuman hanggang pamorningan. i miss being wasted on booze.

12. pack things at home.

13. go on a long drive to nowhere. shit, miss ko na talaga cruising aimlessly. times there were when mamang and i would hit the road early in the day with no specific destination. kakain lang kung kelan gutumin at saan may makakainan na madadaanan.

13. pack things at home.

14. have a satisfying filling of army navy burger and burrito in tagaytay, after all, tagaytay is just a neighboring town. it's the jam-packed crowd that inhibits me from going.

15. pack things at home.

16. visit churches.

17. pack things at home.

18. pack things at home.

19. pack things at home.

20. pack things at home.

but alas, all those musings died down when between pinning out my phone rang. unfortunately the call has been dropped when i was about to pick it. it was my cuz in sta ana, manila. instead of calling back it sent him a message.

me: sorry, nagbo-bowling. why po? (send)

(vibrate)

cuz: wla lang. musta ka na daw sabi mommy. wla na daw blita sau.

(onga it's been awhile since i last saw mommy last christmas. i also call her mommy, sya nag-alaga sa akin nung baby pa ako sa province and her siblings considered me their 'bunso' kaya no wonder they check on me from time to time. i stayed with them again all through my college days)

me: hehe ok naman. bisita ko mommy one of these days. (*send)

(vibrate)

cuz: nag-asaw kna daw ba? sabihin mo sa amin ha?

me: yups...trabaho ang ka-live-in ko ngayon :D (send)

second game done...no reply from cuz. i checked the outbox, there's an 'x' sign preceding the message. i pressed "resend".

message failed.

i pressed "resend" again.

message failed.

f*ck!, i cursed mentally.

i checked 222 for my balance (i'm using my personal phone for, uh, personal stuff and keep my office phone strictly for business).

zero.

mommy must have been missing me indeed. one thing i have decided before i retired to bed last night.

i'm taking a shower after publishing this post.

guess where i'm going...

birit

2011-04-15T23:31:00.009+08:00

for a brief moment, between two words spanning a single-letter apart, i hesitated like a little child balancing it's own weight between his wobbly feet, uncertain about what might come next or what might have gone before. but something welled deeply inside, a bidding too strong to repress i couldn't help but surrender.

over and beyond the din of zany laughters, the breaking, err, click-clacking sound of shot glasses, the subtle yet heady assault of emperador light to the toxic senses, the lunatic anguish of the bereaved night, the ululating howling of the dogs in chains...there, there a lucid crescendo, stuttering at first until it gained a hold of the note, soaring blithely amidst the portmanteau of smoke and fog, higher and higher until it hit the rafters and, without waiting for a cue, took the helm like a pro and decisively lorded it over the cacophony of sounds and bullishly stayed on long after all the murmurs have dissipated into ashes.

whew...!!!

liberating, indeed!

striking a balance

2011-04-13T22:21:00.001+08:00

tempus fugit. time flies really fast especially when you're having fun. i'm having so much fun working that i'm losing all track of time. of course, not in a nirvana sense or daydreaming state of being but as the cliche goes: too many things to do; too little time.

sounds masochistic? far from it. i believe that the fun part in working would prove short-lived if a sense of balance (or at least a semblance of it) is being thrown out of a dynamic equation.

in my case, despite the hectic scheds and full weight of the responsibities, i consciously make an effort at finding quick diversions to take my mind off work. like...

1. taking a trip to massage king at sm once a week for a relaxing whole body massage session. this is more of a need thing for me than want. the physical demands at work can be crippling sometimes. driving tens of kilometers a day can be really tedious and taxing physically.

2. lying at a skin clinic once a week for a facial clean up coupled with a snooze. hehehe. i got high-maintenance complexion and the nature of my job could aggravate my acne problems. call me vain, but for me it's as simple as feel good, look good, do best.

3. squeezing time at the kitchen. i could have been a chemist if i didn't major in civil engineering. i love mixing anything homogeneous and heterogeneous hahaha. but, alas, work has taken its toll on my lablayf; but no regrets work pays my bills and it can't be said when we're in love hahaha. i digress.

like tonite, i got invites (not to a premier showing) to a product presentation of one of the leading brands in paints but god knows how i have been hankering on ends for an egg sandwich. no, not the fastfood concoction but my own version of an egg sandwich. hahaha, kala mo naman kung anong klase. it's simple actually but then it's me. perhaps my way of self-loving (not in a promiscuous sense haha).

ok let me share with you but don't blame me if anything happens to you. it's easy to prepare...hardboiled eggs (chunky), mayo (pick your brand), mustard, honey; red bell pepper, onion and celery (finely chopped); white pepper, squeeze of lemon, and lettuce and tomato for garnish. everything is according to taste hehehe.

4. buying pirated dvds although only a few i get to actually play them. i missed a lot of good movies but it feels good knowing that i got them in my listing. crazy but it feed my want. hehe.

5. applying pure honey mask on my face at night. vain. vain. vain.

6. having my toe nails cleaned twice a month at david's.

7. taking muffin to dogbero for a nice grooming once a month.

8. ooops, how can i survive without beerdays???

now, who says that i'm all work and no play?

blushing

2011-04-12T18:11:00.000+08:00

Usually, I post my entries in haste and leave as quickly as I came. Like a glyph of lightning bolt, inspirations (or lack of it) strike me straight out of nowhere sans any warning. Flimsy. Fickle. Transient. Difficult to reign on. And mostly harder still to decipher. It is of little wonder then that, again, most of my musings here are lacking in substance and coherence, not to mention replete with grammatical errors that would surely send my english teachers under the desk in shame hahaha.
But this time I’m blushing.
Not much on how I mangled with grammar and all but in knowing who might have been reading my entries.
I came across some few discoveries recently.
Since I practically come and go, I am not in the habit of checking out who’s following me (not necessarily reading me). Perhaps it’s an age thing. no, not on being keen with keeping tab on the ‘growing’ (hehe) number of my so-called ‘followers’ which admittedly is the least of my concerns. But more on my capacity to retain info in my memory bank.
So when I noticed that there are already 19 bloggers (wow big deal hehe) following juneshowers I got somehow intrigued. A giant leap, a long shot, from the 15 (or was it 13) that I used to know from last year or so. Doing a little stat-work revealed that two-thirds were ushered in by those one-thirds whom I consider as my friends of long standing, except for one who was my ex (hehe…so no choice sya that time but to ‘follow’ me). What surprised me more was my discovery after hitting the links of these ‘new’ additions to my list of followers.
Nakakapangliit. But at the same time I’m equally honoured to be included in their blogroll. judging from the number of comments that they regularly get be it a one-line, an audio, or a video entry e talagang nakakalula ang mga taong ito. In effect they introduce my blog to their myriad followers who might perchance get to read me. Of course, it would be presumptuous of me to believe that ALL those who check out their blogs do visit (not necessarily read) my blog as well. Hehe. Although there’s a way to track it and the engine can be downloaded for free. But then again, I’m past that stage. In fact, my comment count per entry averages 1 to nil. And it’s no bother to me at all. My intention for blogging is clear. Writing (whichever form, or lack of it, they might come out hehe) or blogging in this regard is a personal expression; a form of ‘release’. I blog for myself and not for anyone else and this is not trying to be angsty hehe.
Still the honor that these guys personally bring for following me can never be diminished by my humble intentions.
Who am I to deserve their following when in the first place I haven’t gone to their sites before. Well, for one, bloghopping is not for me (I don’t have much on-line time at my disposal) more so leaving tracks just to get another bloggers attention that subtly elicit a reciprocity kind of thing. neither I do have the temerity to bluntly ex-link; for me this practice is tantamount to a highway robbery just to increase readership and/or followership. Oops, no offense meant I’m just profiling my blogging activity. of course, not all who follow you read your posts and the opposite is also true.
My respect for my followers transcend beyond numbers. And to you guys, my apologies for finding this page in mess. It’s not intentional though. It’s just very me…a blogger who’s trying hard (more of a poser?) to express my thoughts in a borrowed language that I hardly mastered yet; this is despite formal schooling and several attempts at parroting it with people I met kasi daw po mas malala ako pagmagsulat sa tagalog (I still respect the readership that I got however small it maybe…be it real or imagined hahaha).
To you…my heartfelt thanks.

seriously crazy

2011-04-09T22:15:00.000+08:00

home early today from the usual grind. ok, ok...i know it's a holiday and most of the people in the archipelago are out taking a breather. ironically, in the industry that i am in, and with the clients that we have, we work our asses off twice as hard on red-letter dates.

because...in times like these...

production in the factories slowdown, if not entirely stop, and therefore partial shutdown, if not total cessation of activities, can be done without undermining the bottom line.

in times like these...

you'd see us tearing down walls only to put up another one; cutting cables like were just cracking nuts only to splice it with another line later; plugging off pipes and laying another like they are just lego pieces, pulling out circuit breakers only to relocate them a few centimeters away to service this time a different machine; painting walls like there's no tomorrow; and practically losing track with the time.

so what brought me home early today despite the rigmaroles?

to take a breather.

to cook dinner for no one but myself.

to wash my undies.

to take it easy on the road, appreciating the sunset on the way home.

to check how the guards at the gate of our subdivision look while the sun's still up (haha)

and above all, because i have to be up early tomorrow for another grind. oops, don't remind me, i'm keeping tab with the days. it's sunday, i know.

yes, it's a crazy, crazy world that we are in. but we make a real serious business out of this.

stalled...no more

2011-04-06T22:31:00.000+08:00

i have already lost count how many months, or for how long a time, that i have been taking things in stride. until last monday when things turned for the worse.

you see, the window of my car (driver side at that) has been acting up for the longest time now. something went wrong with the automated mechanism, it gets stuck midway through and sometimes i need to literally pull the glass up just to close it. and this spells i.n.c.o.n.v.e.n.i.e.n.c.e.

i already called the attention of our mechanic and every time i would remind him about the misaligned window he would simply sound apologetic and babble the oft repeated 'sensya na sir, yaan mo pagpunta ko ng alabang bibilihan ko ng guide.' oh, well...true, promises are made to be broken again and again and again.

although i make a conscious effort to not let the glass down all the way, sometimes the task simply proceed mechanically and before i know it it has already sunk way down to the bottom. and it didn't help that it's power window.

just like what happened last monday.

i usually roll down the window beside me while approaching a toll gate or any gated establishment but this time my reflexes were quite slow. i was right before the guard at the epza gate when i realized that i needed to hand my license before i be allowed entry. panic got hold of my wits considering that there were a couple of cars right behind me and i didn't realize that while i was fishing my license from my wallet the limping window was steadily retreating.

'tuck!'

'shit! what have i done?!' the guard just gave me a puzzled look as he motioned me to proceed.

it was not much about the punishing heat that concerns me. it was more of the dust and the smog filled trip on my way back. i summoned a couple of workers as soon as i get to the site. however, their efforts to draw up the sunken glass with just about an inch left protruding over the rubber lining proved futile. no amount of serious attempt could make the intransigent glass nudge a bit. the two brawny workers stopped only after i noticed that the door was in jeopardy as well. what with all the force of two construction workers applied to a hapless machine.

then i realized that i still have some works to do and my main purpose of coming to the site has been sidetracked by the problematic window. but even i was doing the rounds my mind never left the car.

i hate dusts. i abhor them dusts. kulang na lang pag-initan ko ang nag fabricate ng steel flooring. but that would be too childish of me. i quickly corrected myself though.

the time came for me to move on. looking at the car from afar i prayed for some miracle to happen. maybe a colleague would come and rescue me or a sub-con would suddenly play sycophant and offer to be my slave-slash-driver for the rest of the day. (haha...spoiled ba?)

alas, none of that sort came to pass. despondent was an understatement. the engine obediently came to life with just a click. i took a deep breath before i shifted the gear. without a thought my left arm with a life of its own mechanically grope for the buttons to my left. and lo, to my surprise, something's sleekly rising beside me. no squeaking sound could be heard. just a soft whistling sound of a gentle breeze assaulted by a growing hump.

then there was silence. a very comforting silence engulfed inside the car.

***********
footnote: a seeming problematic situation does not always end up a problem but rather a solution to a problem...it pays to be optimistic always which admittedly i'm sorely lacking still.

more blessings (in disguise)

2011-03-31T23:22:00.001+08:00

as always i was the last to know. or it's just that i am slow. words have been going round the mill about this colleague, a female electrical engineer, who when she woke up one day realize she's been entangled with royal chords and thhn wires up her neck it's difficult to break free from the morass, she decided to call it quits. this, too, i let it breeze through my ears without giving a probing thought.

the other day sheenday, our admin assistant, hitched ride with me in the morning (as she always does almost every working day). sir tinatanong ni maam (referring to our president) kagabi kung kinausap ka daw ba ni boss (our ceo); lahat kasi mga engineers sa operations kinausap na.

i was like, 'huh? bat ako kakausapin?' i was both puzzled and intrigued. i gave her a quizzical side glance (i was driving then), subtle yet potent enough, the kind that would put anyone under a hypnotic spell and, yes, proceed to spill the beans.

'ewan, di ko rin alam e.' so i was wrong about the hypnotic spell thing. i thought i possesses that if-looks-could-kill charm. but her voice was replete with sincerity as opposed to my pa-duda gesture. we didn't talk about the 'closed-door meetings' during the rest of the ride. in fact we didn't converse anymore until we reached the office. i was all eyes on the road and ears on 92.3fm while sheenday...i don't know if she drifted to la-la land or was busy, simply appreciating the countryside scenes. i couldn't tell from those humongous pitch black shades she was wearing, she looked like a giant tutubi.

until tonight.

i was not supposed to go back to the office after doing rounds in the sites. but i felt the urgency to discuss personally with the civil foreman the tasks for tomorrow.

'sir, please see madam x, she's waiting for you in her office.' thus the note greeted me on my table. our secretary crafted it with great certainty that i'll be coming back. but it was futile to argue with the note. after all, the secretary and most of the people in the office have already called it a day quite too early.

i relieved myself first before knocking on the prez's office.

'o...i was actually waiting for you. tinakasan mo nanaman ako kagabi...'

there's a ring of truth to the latter but honestly i didn't have the slightest impression that she wanted to talk to me last night. but yeah, right, i deliberately escaped because i had a follow up session with my derma for warts removal.

she hastily excused herself and rummaged the adjacent office for god knows what. she came back in time heavy with a handbag and some folders tucked in her arms. i didn't move from where i was sitting. the couch was soft and the room cool; perfect...just perfect to stretch out and snooze off.

'may memo ka...censya na napag-utusan lang ni boss.'

in our company, the word 'memo', more often than not, means a written warning for an offense committed. but i wasn't alarmed at all. there's nothing to be alarmed. not in the recent past.

'huh? naku maam...baka po malulugi na kayo.'

and she was tasked to explain to me what have had transpired during the week. about engr. r's resignation which is true after all. about the legitimate demands of other engineers for mandatory off on sundays (ha-ha) and alternate off on saturdays, citing the dying lovelife among other reasons (yeah very valid indeed and i am a witness to that hahaha). about a very demanding demand for profit-sharing (duh?!). about demands for a service vehicle to an engineer who still has to learn how to drive (lol)...and a litany of others.

my sympathy goes to the company who instead of simply shrugging the shoulders off and dismiss most of the gripes of the engineers as absurd is trying to make sense out of a lot of nonsense and willingly give more.

except for the profit-sharing, all else have been granted. including arranging for someone to teach engr A how to drive.

what is more tempting for a resigning staff to reconsider her decision and stay put with the company than to proffer an offer she could not resist. but this time, in the spirit of fairness, the company decides to up the ante for everyone. and i mean everyone including the workers.

proof is the memo. i received three salary increases in 2010 and again another round today. i am just a hamak na manggagawa. who am i to refuse? hehehe. but then, with all honesty, all of these came to me as bits of surprises. they were unexpected.

driving home, i couldn't help but ask myself 'oo nga, bat di ako tinawag at kinausap ni boss nung isang gabi?'

maybe because he knew that i got no demands. it's just that i love my work; feels like i'm not working at all.

the crucible

2011-03-14T21:59:00.001+08:00

everything that we love,
everything that we hold dearly in our hearts,
everything that we work for so hard,
even our fondest memories,
in a flick of a finger,
in a blink of an eye,
in the wave of circumstances,
can be taken away
leaving us with nothing
but our singular self.
but it shouldn't stop us
from loving
from caring
from hoping
from dreaming
and from striving -
life goes on.
the world keeps turning.
the wheels keep running.
it still is a wonderful world.
a brand new world.
and we, a new creation.
renewed by our loss,
toughened by our defeat,
molded by circumstances.

entreaty

2011-02-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

talk to me, silence of the night. reveal to me the wisdom of solitude. that i may understand the reason of being alone.

embrace me, warm breath of summer. thaw in me the traces of dubiety. that i may believe all that you revealed.

sinangag

2011-01-02T23:15:00.000+08:00

my steps are slowly being ushered down the stairs by the strong smell of sauted onion and garlic, spiced with the smell of chinese chorizo and sesame oil. there are windows practically everywhere in the house. but despite that, mamang would only open half of the one in the sala. she always makes sure that the main door is closed. "madaling pumasok daw ang alikabok sa loob ng bahay," explained to me one time by the househelp when i woke up irritated by the strong smell creeping through the crevices of my room.

expectedly, when mamang cooks 'smelly' food like anything ginisa or pritong tuyo, the house is suffocating with the smell. the exhaust fan over the cooking plate, the deodorizer, scented candles and the half-open window in the kitchen all are being rendered futile during these times. no amount of air freshener can quickly dissipate the heady odor wafting inside the house. it is my task then, if i'm in the house, to open all possible ventilations just to breathe something fresh and unadulterated.

mamang never leave the cooking to the househelps. at times when she's indisposed, we would have canned foods instead. being tamad magluto myself i never complained. i know that sinangag is a common fare at breakfast. but for mamang to cook schezwan fried rice is quite surprising. perhaps she woke up with a better disposition this morning that instead of throwing the handwitten menu tucked on the ref (she hates clutter) she fancied giving it a try.

the table setting has mamang's hand imprinted in every arrangement - from the placemat to the drinking glass and coaster. true enough there's schezwan fried rice, chicken and pork adobo, and fried boneless bangus. a pitcher of orange juice is perspiring on the side. unlike mamang, i am not a coffee drinker.

but why there's only one plate set on the table? ah, it's already past ten in the morning, xtian and mamang must have eaten ahead. the radio is on but there seems to be no one in the house. oh, i almost forgot, it's sunday, they must have gone to church without me. but the car is lounging silently in the garage.

strange.

the food is waiting. the smell of garlic is too good to resist. i am too preoccupied with breakfast that all i wanted is to have my fill fast so i could look for mamang in the garden in front of the house. i have been consumed by the food without realizing that mamang is just standing behind me all along. before taking my last spoonful, i turn around to ask where she's been all the while. her eyes meet mine. sadness is written all over her.

suddenly i'm lost for words. i'm puzzled. who cooked the food? where's everybody? why she's looking sad?

before i utter a word, someone is knocking hard at the gate. i grope, with eyes closed, for my phone on the side table. it's almost eleven in the morning.

the village guard distributing the bills is waiting at the gate.

starting the year

2011-01-02T01:29:00.002+08:00

Two days on choco mousse and chicken empanada diet was too much. So I decided, after a long deliberation with my self, to go out and have decent meals today. Brunch was at 3pm at max’s, the only restaurant that offers fried chicken that’s just perfect for my taste. I will not trade their fried chicken for a bucket of kfcs or even a whole serving of savory’s. I didn’t want to give the aptly dressed lady crew the impression that I was starving or I have been salivating (eow!) for their fried chicken, hankering is more like it in naglilihi fashion hahaha.
‘Decent’ is the operative word.
The usual budget plate (a quarter portion of chicken, a good serving of macaroni salad, a bite-size caramel bar and a glass of ice tea) was just enough to satisfy my cravings and fill my empty stomach in a moderate way. Besides, I have had other plans for the day all in keeping with my resolve to treat myself to a humble gastronomic trip.
After taking brunch, I checked around SM for a screen protector for the new blackberry bold which my boss gave to me last Christmas. I combed the phone shops but found none until my feet brought me before an array of posters screaming for attention. Still my stomach heavy with the chicken (it was just not ‘proper’ to rush to another restaurant so soon lest I’ll be guilty of avarice, ehe…este gluttony, I let myself entertained by casts of Ang Tanging Ina Mo. I sat through it until I got bored. I woke up with the lights already on in the cinema and people mostly with children were queuing for the exit. The next thing I knew I was in the middle of the chuckling crowd towing the line. I was feeling good. I had a long nap. And my stomach was getting lighter again, ready for the next round.
I always go for a light dinner if given a choice. Not because I’m calorie conscious or I’m watching my weight. Or maybe I am. Watching. Simply watching my weight going uphill. In keeping with my plan, I’ll have burger for dinner. Uh-uh, quit preaching me about taking junks. I know burgers do more harm than good for the health but what can I do? My head, my heart and stomach were all wanting one and the same. It’s very hard to resist when all your being connive against your feeble will.
If max’s is fried chicken of my choice, army and navy is for my burgers. So I drove up to tagaytay just to have that satisfying bite of ham-bur-jer hehehe. But little did I know what awaits me in tagaytay. Heavy traffic. Bumper to bumper from the circle all the way up summit ridge. What’s worst, they cordoned the center aisle of the road making it impossible for motorists to drive left going to the restaurants. There’s no other way but drive far up summit ridge and take a u-turn from there. Whew, what an ordeal. It took me an hour from the circle to reach summit ridge or perhaps more if I didn’t turn right at Caltex station and find a quicker route from behind. And another hour from summit ridge to army and navy. It’s no wonder then that I reached home quite late already. Hahaha.
What makes army and navy burgers unique for my taste is the way they cook the beef. Medium done. Mcdo, Jollibee, Wendy’s even tropical hut, all have this beef-y after taste. Worst of it all is if you take a hamburger from these fastfoods in the morning you will still have that hamburger taste in your mouth, and especially when you burp, even after you gargled and brush your teeth after dinner. And mind you, the hamburger at army and navy is rightly priced.
They say that the things you do (or not do) on the first day of the year are a telling of what you will be (or won’t be) for the next 364 days. If what I did today were of any indication, then maybe I will not starve for the rest of the year. Hahaha.
Happy new year, guys!

sweet indulgence

2010-12-31T22:23:00.001+08:00

it was my birthday yesterday. the day started with a solemn prayer and ended with quietly with yet another prayer of thanks. this year's celebration was a lot more different from the previous ones especially that of year where despite the financial mess still there were traces of frills not because i wanted them or hanker for them but they were borne out of a 'tradition' where relatives would come and flock together, invited or otherwise.

this year, i could say that it was relatively peaceful. there was no activity at home. no relatives came. few remembered to greet (and i'm not taking it against those who failed to text me) so my phone was also relatively silent.

if there were subtractions there were also some additions. new modes of observing the day according to what is being done at the workplace.

it has been a tradition in the office for engineers on their birthdays to bring something for breakfast and feed the 15 staff in the admin department. ang walang kamatayang pancit or the 'sosyal' ng konti na pasta. and it's more of the former for the entire battalion of workers.

being the rule-bender type, i brought for breakfast pork asado and chicken adobo rolls, tuna pie, cheese rolls, ensaimaditas, mamon, and butterscotch bars (all from conti's) in place of the long-life fares. maybe i don't wish for a longer life to start with ha-ha. what i have been praying for is a fuller and meaningful life.

as for the workers, good thing it was almost new year and projects in the sites have already wrapped up after christmas. so medyo konti tao sa project ko ha-ha. i served them buko pies for snacks.

i left the site before 5pm amidst the drizzles. i was resigned to spend the rest of the evening in solitary confinement at home. hahaha. but the heavens have another plans in mind. the gods must have been cooking a pleasing surprise to cap my day.

good conversations in the company good a good friend, if friends are hard to come by, never fail to give me a different high.

i met up with a friend late in the evening and drove all the way to tagaytay, our perfect getaway. a simple dinner with a few bottles of beer get us through until closing time at dencio's.

if you think that it was a fast glide down straight to dasma after dencio's, think again. in the wee hours of the morning and the streets are already devoid of moving souls, save for a couple of cars we met along the way, we were cruising up the roading leading to picnic grove while marveling at the fog that enchantingly dances with the breeze, veiling and unveiling the surroundings before our very amused eyes.

for months on ends that i have been beating deadlines, living each day in constant pressure. last night i spent the moment with a friend in complete abandon. i made a conscious effort not to check the time.

i simply let be. and it was wonderful. indulged, i did. it was my birthday after all.

barking at the very wrong tree

2010-12-22T18:43:00.000+08:00

too many things to do, too little time. sigh.

i know that i am not alone in this predicament. work IS the culprit why i'm resorting to catalog shopping of late. what with a hectic-no-time-off sched that started in october and expected to last till late january 2011. or so i thought. the latest word i got from my boss was that the project that i'm currently taking charge of might run until may 2011! only some minor kinks in the contract and building 2 will soon undergo a complete make-over, inside out, just about in time we shall be wrapping up with building 1.

but judging by how much weight i gained from the time the project took off, no one would say that i am stressed out or physically drained from work. haha. no. but then again perhaps i simply reacted to stress in a somewhat weird way. 'hiyang' is maybe a word for it; or it could also be true that have been managing my stress in a self-destructive way.

to say that i never missed any meal would be an understatement. but with all objectivity, i can also say that i have not been pigging out with every meal. i'm just taking meals on time. in different places. hahaha. shame on me but i've been having great meal times touring the dining joints in and around paseo de sta. rosa. it's as if i'm having a grand picnic day every day of the week at work.

now, don't ask me where my salaries go. don't ask me why i'm running out of budget for the exchange gift. don't ask me why i'm fidgeting whenever the thought of spending christmas in the province crosses my mind.

ok. it's not just about the draining sched and the pressing deadlines. it's not just about having too little time. it's not just about work. there's something more that lies beneath that i have been trying to sweep away.

grrrr on my appetite.

Balancing act

2010-12-18T09:39:00.001+08:00

It's out, finally.

I'm flying out of manila on the 25^th. Destination: Negros.

Three days respite is not bad; not bad at all. In fact too long in the face of an ongoing project.

If not for mamang I'd rather stay put.

But with a free plane ticket and a pocket money to boot, who am I to refuse? It feels like I've won a vacation trip with free hotel accommodation.

With such a short notice, i'm beginning to panic.

Not for anything else but who's to care of the dogs???

busy

2010-09-25T11:32:00.000+08:00

full of activity

hectic

eventful

tiring.

happy.

isa

2010-09-21T17:20:00.001+08:00

Wala si mamang. Wala si xtian. Ako at sina muffin and grumpy lang tao sa bahay. Nakakatamad umuwi, june, ng maaga sa bahay walang makakausap. Nakakatakot naman umuwi ng gabing-gabi parang feeling ko may mga mata nakatingin sa akin sa madilim na kapaligiran. Haha. Alam mo naman june sa amin, ang mga kapitbahay ang lalayo. Yung tipong ginagahasa na ang kaluluwa mo at magkakandasigaw ka wala pa rin makakarinig sayo. Exaj ba? O kung may makakarinig man ewan lang kung pupuntahan ako.

Well, no choice naman e. Sa takbo ng trabaho ko araw-araw sa office lagi talaga akong gabi na umuuwi. At dahil bago sumilip ang araw nakaalis na ako, nagmimistulang walang nakatira sa bahay ngayon. Dagdag mo pa june yung nagtataasang mga talahib sa kapaligiran. Umpisa kasing umupo itong bagong opisyales ng home owners association di na naputulan ang mga damo sa buong subdivision. Tapos may mukha silang magpamudmod ng flyers na nakasulat ang schedule ng discount sa payment ng monthly dues. E bakit nung nakakaraang administrasyon june nagagawa nilang linisin ang kapaligiran sa nakokolekta nila buwan-buwan? Tingin ko kung matumal man ang dating ng koleksyon nila galing sa mga residente, mas lalong mawawalan ng gana ngayon magbayad ang mga tao dahil sa kapapabayaan na nakikita sa kapaligiran. Sabagay june, ang mga tao na walang balak magbayad ng kanilang obligasyon kahit saan paraan mo daanin dedma lang.

Sabagay (uli) kung pataasan lang ng damo, humahabol na rin ang sa loob ng bakuran namin. Aba, last ko ata nagpabunot mga isang buwan na. E, dumaan ang sunod-sunod na ulan kaya ang bilis din mag-ala gubat sa loob ng bakod. Di malayo na matatabunan na ng damo ang bahay kung tutuloy ang ganito. Nahirapan kami dati ni xtian maghanap ng taga-putol ng damo. Ang suki namin ober da bakod pumapasok na sa konstraksyon. E tamad si xtian, masipag lang mag-aral. Buti at salamat pumasa sa board exams. Ako naman june tamad din. Hahaha. May pinagmanahan si xtian. Ang dahilan ko, gabi na ako nakakauwi. At kahit Sunday pumapasok ako. Kaya tama lang tabunan kami ng damo sa bahay. Hehehe. Tapos nagre-reklamo ako ngayon. Nagrereklamo nga ba? Nagpapaliwanag lang.

Madalas sa labas ako kumakain. O kung sa bahay man, tyak take-out yun. Nakakawalang ganang magluto. Yelong bato na ang mga karne sa ref. ang mga gulay naman kung hindi nanguluntoy tinutubuan na ng bigot at balbas sa chiller. Mamaya nyan, jun, magugulat na lang ako puno na ng ugat ang loob ng ref.

Ang tanging pinagluluto ko lang june ay walang iba kundi si grumpy. Pero kanin lang. ang ulam kung hindi 555 o ligo. Yung isang lata tatlong kainan nya yon. Si muffin walang problema dahil dog food. Di rin ganun ka gastos kasi maliit sya. Mahirap lang june sa umaga dahil magliligpit ng dumi ni muffin, magprepare ng pagkain tas may oras din akong hinahabol. Ganun din pagdating sa gabi, pagod na ako tas same routine sa mga alaga. Nakaka-guilty pag ginagabi ako sa site kasi alam kong nagugutum sila pareho.

But the bane of it all, that of living alone, ay yung hindi na wawalisan ang sahig at napupunusan ang mga gamit araw-araw. Walang nagliligpit ng kama sa umaga. Mejo naninilaw ang kubeta. Walang pagkain madadatnan. Walang nakakausap.

Walang makausap.

Teka, hanap ako ng kausap.

PASSED!!!

2010-09-18T08:27:00.001+08:00

Registered Electrical Engineer (REE) Board Exam Result September 2010

896 XXXXXX, CHRISTIAN JOHN XXXXXX

maybe

2010-09-13T16:01:00.000+08:00

If we both decide to try
And make it one more time
I hope we take the time
To know each other well
And if the answers don't come quick
We'll go w/ how it feels
And sometimes that's not yes or no, but

Maybe there'll be no falling stars
this time around
I still believe that
Honesty is all we'll ever need
You and me again
Maybe

You keep asking me if I
will love you for all time
If two of us will be enough to make us strong
And if we learn to keep it free
and let each other grow
We'll find out there's no yes or no, but

Maybe no candles or guitars this time around
I still believe that
Honesty is all we ever need (all we need)
(Can we make it through) Can we make it through
(Can we make it through) You and me again
(You and me again) Hah
Maybe

prayer

2010-09-10T17:53:00.000+08:00

xtian is taking the board exams for electrical engineers tomorrow and sunday. please pray for him.

thank you.

WARAT

2010-09-09T14:36:00.001+08:00

The following were not the exact messages that I had fun exchanging just awhile ago with you-know-who, june. It was only after deleting the messages to free some space in the phone's memory that I realized how funny, if not kinky, they actually were.

Message Sent (MS): nako, nawarat ang giordano pants ko sa may singit malapit hehe.

Message Received (MR): e di nabobosohan ka na dyan. Kita tayo mamaya after work, I'm leaving for the client in awhile.

MS: ekaw lang ata ang gostong mamboso sa aken e hahaha. What time po?

MR: natikman ko na ang berdie mo at nakain pati balls mo dati. Nakita ko na lahat wala ka na maitatago sa akin. Hahaha. Mga 6:30. I'll be out by 6.

MS: mahaba pala kwan mo…memory? Hahaha. Ako nga di ko na matandaan ang lasa ng iyo. Paki-remind mo nga ako. Hihihi. Sige po sex thurty.

MR: sa taba ng batuta mo sino bang makakalimot. Hahaha. Ganun ba nakalimutan mo na sa akin. hmp!!! Sige work na muna ako, I still have lots to do before leaving the office. Ingat po.

MS: okies. Ingats.

Hail

2010-09-08T15:59:00.001+08:00

Maghimaya ka maria nga napuno ka sang gracia

Ang Ginoong nga Dios ara sa imo

Ginadayaw ka labi sa mga babayeng tanan

Kag ginadayaw man ang imong Anak nga si Hesus.

Santa Maria, Iloy sang Dios ig-ampo mo kami mga makasasala,

Nyan kag sa oras sa amon ikamatay. Amen.

fair deal

2010-09-06T15:38:00.002+08:00

like the day i decided to call it quits, it was never in my plans to reach out to him again. you know it all too well, june.

wala lang.

impulsive?

i don't know.

i just thought that harboring resentments with someone will always pose as a hindrance in my efforts to moving on. i'm bidding my time. i didn't want to dictate the pace of my healing process. so i waited...and waited.

until one day, i just woke up and the pain and resentments in my heart were gone. i could say that the long wait was over.

so i texted him.

"musta na ang baby mo?" his wife was due to deliver their fourth baby any day after we broke up.

i didn't expect his response to be that swift and elaborate. i didn't expect a warm welcome. i didn't expect to be welcomed at all. but he did.

funny, june, how serendipity play a part. in the course of text exchanges we came to know that we were just a vacant lot away from each other and at the same time having lunch.

he came over to where i was; we chatted for awhile and met the following day, followed by another the next.

everything's back to how we were before minus the romance hahaha, and the commitment. if you are asking me, june, if i'm expecting more out of this; or if i'm wishing this renewed closeness will progress to the next level? honestly, no, i'm not.

but i'm not closing the door to the possibility. no hurry though. let time take it's course...slowly.

if and when it comes...i'll set the terms.

Two in a row

2010-09-01T14:48:00.001+08:00

I'M NOT SURE, JUNE, if sheena has a line written on her forehead in bold letters that reads like: "HOLDAPIN NYO AKO…PARANG AWA NYO NA!!!" And I'm not blowing things up. She seems to have the propensity to attract bad vibes and bad people these days.

While tensions were rising in the Quirino grandstand and people were cringing in fear while those in the bus were fearing for dear life during last week's hostage drama, a different kind of drama was unfolding near avida subdivision in paliparan. sheena was shaking in shock after the hold-upper carted her bag and of other passengers' belongings. And again yesterday, more than a week since the last incident happened, it was like a déjà vu.

Whe the first incident even our boss advised sheena to stay in the company accommodation after she works late in the night rather than take chances in the street. This is cavite, a rural community where crime rate is expectedly to be relatively lower compared to urbanized locales like manila. Well, perhaps there's still a ring of truth to it if we simply go by statistic and not by ratio of crime to the population count.

But if your colleague has been victimized twice in a row in just a span of more than a week, you'd think twice about your safety as well and the people moving within the community. Although it can be argued that not everyone you meet outside are residing in the area, one can't help but ask then how the authorities are keeping peace and order in the community. I digress.

But sheena was incorrigible. After the general meeting wrapped up at about nine in the evening last night, everyone scampered for a ride to dasma. Sheena and jenny, the admin assistant, decided to go with me instead. It was unusually cold outside, the kind of breeze that easily reminds you December is already lurking. I kept the aircon low at number one inside the car but both sheena and jenny were like puppies squeezing their lean bodies at the door, shivering. We bantered and laughed at our jokes as we negotiate the dark roads leading to pala-pala.

And from pala-pala, it's to each his/her own.

"o, holdap to!" one of the three guys armed with a balisong declared upon hopping into an all-seats-taken jeepney going to Molino. The other guy was spreading an empty sack on the floor while the one at the entrance gave warning to the passengers against doing any false moves, "or else…." It was quite a 'wonder' why the driver would stop at the three guys on the road when the passengers were already packed like a canned sardine inside.

Sheena was obviously reeling from last week's ordeal and here it is again. Is this a bad joke? She was trying to convince herself while the two guys were busy collecting their loot from hapless victims. But when her bag was forcefully taken from her, sheena unabashedly broke down as if everyone within hearing distance was fully aware of what she's been through before.

"ayaw nyo ba talaga akong tantanan? O…sige…heto pa…!" handing a guy at the entrance a packed meal which she saved from the meeting earlier only to be swiftly brushed aside, "mga demonyo kayo…wala kayong kaluluwa…ang dapat sa inyo…"

"ano??? Tuloy mo…" the tip of the gun was pointed at her. Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead. Actually she was perspiring all over. Sheena couldn't understand where she got such sheer bravado. She was like a volcano spewing sizzling lava in all directions. The cold tip of the metal and that peculiar scent of real threat to her life brought her back to her senses and made her sober.

"ang…dapat…sa inyo…," grouping each word as she spoke while groping for more words and when she found what she wanted to say, "magsimba pag lingo!" then distanced her head from the shinny metal.

"pagbaba namin paharurutin mo ang sasakyan kung hindi pagbabarilin ko ang pasahero mo," ordered the man with a gun to the driver.

That night Sheena saw not one, not two but three ravenous Santa Clauses hastily jumping from the parked jeepney and quickly disappeared into the dark of night. In the sack were promises of survival, a cure for an ailment, a smile on the face of a child, years of savings, a guarantee for another term in school, the past, present and future.

In the sack were hopes, dreams, and promises from everyone's sweat and tears that were dastardly taken away leaving the victims with nothing but pain, fear and bad memories.

Just when

2010-08-28T16:54:00.001+08:00

When the weather is as erratic as what we have in the past days; when workload takes most of your waking hours; when mealtime is the only free time that you can find; when your social life strictly revolves around the site; when the only people you converse with are the workers and the gasoline boys; when the only company that you can find before bedtime is a bottle of brandy and the dj on the radio; when the person that you long to be with is oceans away; when you start missing the slow times sitting outdoor appreciating the sunrise or marvelling the sunset; when the only heights that you scale are limited to the scaffoldings instead of hills and mountains; when the only notes that you read are those from the bills you need to settle; when your pet starts grabbing your attention; when you don't see daylights at home for you-know-how-long; when your business phone is buzzing no end while your personal phone stays mum most of the time; when friends don't reply to your message anymore because they have already changed numbers and you failed to save their digits; when you look at yourself in the mirror and you don't recognize the image anymore; when your lovelife's status is progressing from none to non-existent; when you start misconstruing words for another (e.g. bar exams with round bar); when you can't distinguish Sunday from Monday after all they are workdays for you anyway; when tomorrow passes you by and you didn't notice at all…

Wish you have a friend to unwind with.

Na naman…

2010-08-27T16:23:00.001+08:00

That 'miracles' do happen even in the sanitary confines (or lack of it) of a comfort room can neither be denied nor ignored. But I just hate it when, while peeing, I sense that someone's prying on me. Some snoopers are so kapal that they openly flirt without any hesitations.

It happened to me at waltermart-carmona around noon today. Coming from Binan and on the way back to office, my stomach made its presence felt in a bratty way. since waltermart was just a few tire-revolutions away, I decided to drop by and have a filling of my favorite dinuguan meal at tropical hut. But just as I entered the main door, I felt my bladder was also protesting to the seams. Good thing the comfort room inside waltermart is just two tamblings away from the frisking guard.

You know how it is when you're almost bursting. You hastily pan the room like a loony running amok and dash for the first available imburnal, este, urinal in sight. And while discharging the liquid, sometimes you even close your eyes and savor the feeling of being relieved. That's when I noticed the guy standing a urinal away from me. The mini-blinders, large enough to keep the private parts from being exposed, somehow define the spaces and accord that sense of privacy. He was already 'there', perhaps longer before I claim my spot. Weird, he already flushed the urinal when I was half-way through and again when someone entered the room. But still he didn't leave. Apparently he was glued to the spot where he was standing. The guy who just entered proceeded straight to the welcoming cubicle.

Worse than I thought, he was not actually draining himself. He was just feigning the act. He was actually looking at me. Not up my face. But down.

I threw him the look, the kind of if-looks-could-kill type. But to no avail. Instead of retreating, the more he made his advances felt. He kept his eyes to where my hand was holding until I was almost done. Thanks to the blinders and my left arm providing the additional screen, I was able to hide what should remain hidden. I skipped the perfunctory quiver and the tapping of my ding-dong discreet.

The comfort room is arranged in such a way that when you enter, to your left is a panoramic mirror spans the entire length of a three (or was it four) wash basins lined equidistant to each other. A blank tiled wall directly staring back at you, the cubicles in blue (or was it yellow) paint finish are standing directly opposite the mirror, and the urinals are lining behind the partition wall and running parallel to the length of the cubicles. The place is well lighted and clean in a sanitary way.

I proceeded to the wash basin to finally rinse off my hand, a hygienic practice that I follow since the time I know how to hold my ding-dong. But, oh boy, was he actually kitty galore disguised as a man in jeans? Or was I spewing pheromones in the air without even knowing? Whew! I thought I was already out from his prying eyes. The partition has a purpose after all aside from aesthetics. Or so I thought.

The guy moved to the urinal where I occupied earlier. Twisting his head to the right, he gained a vantage view of me. The guy harried from the cubicle and left the room without washing his hands. It was then that I was fed up with the feeling hayok guy at the urinal. And I decided to give him a piece of my mind.

I mean, he can do his shenanigans anywhere he wishes to and for all I care. But at least be discreet and sensitive. Don't act like a cock-starved slut in front of everyone. You just don't humiliate yourself but you might also traumatize the uninitiated. Worse, you'll end up in jail if not badly in the hands of hooligans.

I walked up to him sporting a poker face. Maybe he thought that I have fallen into his trap. He faced the wall at once expecting me to come beside me and do acrobatics (?). But instead, I did what he least expected.

"Gago, wag garapala!" while tapping his nape just a little harder than normal. Just enough to make his head nudge a bit. Just enough to drive a point. Just enough to douse his kalibugan.

nameless...faceless

2010-08-23T14:48:00.000+08:00

Three charred posts standing forlorn at arms length, as if huddling with one another, amidst the midday sun. Three dogs are seen behind the wire mesh fence clumsily pacing back and forth not knowing what to do.

It was dark outside and the rain was threatening to fall. Save for the foreboding winds howling through the thickets, it was relatively peaceful, just like last night and the rest of the nights before.

Inside the nipa hut were three kids sleeping on the bare bamboo floor, one hand tied to each corner post. Streaks of winds bolt in through the slots in the floor and more solid blows barging through an uncovered window, piercing their fragile and half-naked bodies and drying their tears away. A kerosene lamp is resting near the edge of the makeshift table, the supports wobbly as the feet of the kids who all retired for the night with empty stomachs.

I know little about the kids and their parents. But even that may not be enough to say that ‘I know’ them at all. Ages seven, six and five they troop to the site through a small opening in the wire-mesh fence that separates the industrial estate and their singular hut.

At daytime when the place is filled with the pounding of jackhammer, shrieking of the grinders, sparkling of the welding machine and the yelling of the foremen giving instructions to the workers, the kids would be seen running around half-naked and barefooted oblivious of the impending danger or perhaps they have already befriended danger itself.

Shooing the kids away to keep them out of harm’s way proved to be an exercise in futility that the workers have learned to put up with the kids who basically lived on scraps. “ngi bakal!” they would demand from the welders or “ngi piso!”

I wonder if their parents intentionally trained them to be mendicants. But despite the kids’ pesky presence, they were the recipient of the workers’ kindness. The kids never go home everyday without a little of something: food, coins, empty boxes or snippets of wisdom from their ‘kuyas’. Obviously, the latter is the least of the kids’ concerns.

My sightings of the kids became less and less after the perimeter fence of the factory that we were working on had been put up and we have turned over the building to the client. If memory serves me right, I last saw the kids playing in the abandoned building adjacent to the one we finished. It was during my rounds to check on the additional works. The middle of the three had his face pressed on the mesh-fence watching me taking snapshots outside of the fabrication area.

That was months ago.

Last week I visited the place again to have a look-see on the area over the roof of the delivery foyer where the compressor system of eight airconditioning units have to be relocated.

“sir, kilala mo yung mga bata na taga-kabilang bakod?” the guard greeted me as soon as I get out of the car, “patay na sila.”

What are you three waiting for? Leave the dreaming behind. Don’t bite the bait. No, not yet. Resist the alluring face of paradise.

For your own sakes. Run! Scream! As you wont to do.

Instinct. But it might have been too late thinking about dashing out. You waited for that familiar hand to undo the knot that bounded each of you to your grave. The same hands that gave you life. The same hands that feed you. The hands of someone who was afraid that you might litter around in the dead of night while they were out somewhere pampering themselves with booze and bets.

I could just imagine the pain in your voices as you scream your lungs out. The burning pain that was licking the core of your very souls. The maddening anguish while you were hopelessly being roasted to perfection like lechon de leche.

Alas, no one heard your cries. Not even the gods. Your voices were easily drowned by the rushing waters at the creek down the slope and maimed by the voracious rants of the deliriously swaying leaves. No one was there for you. Except death.

I got nothing to say to your parents if by any chance our paths will cross one day. Like you three I knew them from a blurry distance. Perhaps they too have stories to tell. That they are accident freaks. Like when your mother inadvertently stepped on your four-month old brother to death just two moons ago. How she moonlights as a peddler of shabu with selling balut as a convenient front. How your father beat the hell out of each of you at the slightest mistake. And how you have lived mostly half-naked all your life because you have nothing to wear.

We all have stories to tell. This is what I can solemnly tell about you.

bring it on

2010-08-20T16:58:00.000+08:00

volatility is pervading the air. feels like things are hanging in the balance. yet i couldn't put a finger on it. if only i know which side will win out. but, nah, the excitement brought about by the uncertainties is just as exhilarating. patience is not one of my virtues anyway so don't be surprised, june, if i go spinning around any moment now. either way i'm sure it'll be a fun ride just the same.

black over red

2010-08-19T13:04:00.000+08:00

day or night, their visions are veiled behind dark glasses. their fiery glances are bland and unfeeling. blinded by the lights, they stay away from the dark. people avoid them like the plague; even their subtlest stares no one dared cross. no, they got no shearing fangs and neither crimson blood quenches their thirst - that, too, they seek not. it's the throbbing pain. it's the itch. it's the pesky imaginary speck. it's the gummy secretion.

it's a sore eyes.

sham

2010-08-16T17:14:00.000+08:00

i'm not proud admitting that i have been away from sunday masses for quite some time already. for whatever reasons i have for going 'awol' from the church, i don't want to spill them over here, june, lest i will sound like giving alibis. hehe.

yesterday was an exception.

i was taken by our japanese colleague to stand as one of sponsors for the baptism of his second child, a baby boy. it's not only about the rush and confusion at the baptismal rites that i would like to blog about, june, but also the things that i have witnessed, time and again, during the mass.

it says 10am in the invitation. i was in the church 945 am. actually i was going around since 915 looking for available slot to park my car. then i found and settled for one some 50 meters away. i stayed in the car for awhile texting my officemates who promised to attend. none of them replied except for one who said that she's still at home.

as in any sunday, the church was jam-packed with parishioners: young, old; kid, infant; butch, fag; matron, dom; sleepers, shoes; pants, shorts...name it. the crowd in the church is as eclectic as the promenaders in roxas blvd or the mall rats who go to the mall just to cool their heels especially during summer or play hunter or be hunted.

i reprimanded myself for spending too much time in the car earlier texting my officemates who were still sleeping then lest i was able to squeeze in inside the church or at least near the door where i can hear the priest well.

it was at the middle of the homily when i came. or thereabouts when i finally got wind of the sound that has been coming from the conical thing hanging aloft for everyone to hear. too bad the audio was weak it was easily drowned by the cacophony of sounds from people buzzing around like they were in a concert grounds.

funny, june, but i was amused myself. i surrendered to sounds and sights around me than try harder to listen and participate in the communal celebration. that was easier.

a mother to my right can give any mike velarde or brother eddie a run for their money. she was incorrigible. together with her 15 year-old son, they two are shoe in for national debates.

a clique behind me was having a time of their life catching up with each other like they were having a family reunion complete with gory details of the activities those they knew but obviously were not in the group. chismisan, june, for short.

it's always a delight watching kids showing their antics but not in the church during mass while their parents, oblivious to their kids miscreants, feign religious piety. uh-uh.

to my left was a young couple in their twenties standing silently. they guy was overly protective of the girl that he had to keep her in his embrace despite the humidity like they were in the movie house or lovers in the park taking shade under the tree.

a breath behind the lovers in paris were another couple who thought that their wailing baby was too hot to handle. they kept tossing to poor tote between them until they ran out of dance steps that could turn the face of aldeguer sisters bloody red in shame.

not to be outdone was the utter display of pinoy's ingenuity. it was undeniably humid in the church yard and all the few benches around were obviously taken. those who anticipated the SRO crowd brought with them folding chairs, fans, and chichiria rather than buy them from ambulant vendors who carry a mini-sari-sari store in their arms.

but there was one family who went to mass in style. they chose to remain within the confines of their car with windows half open (perhaps to capture whatever they could from the decrepit sound system) and airconditioning on. the problem was, the humming sound churned by the live engine of their relatively new xpi only added to din of noise reigning in the place.

i was struck by what the priest said to the congregation during the baptism ceremony. he noted that most people who go to binyagan often skip the church and instead go straight to handaan. but when asked where did they come from, they are quick to reply: sa binyagan!

i guess the same can be asked for those who go to church on sundays.

oh well, june...who can refute the flak thrown at the catholics by other religions/sects if such blatant disregard of a solemn religious practice is not being taken seriously by us catholics ourselves?

passing the buck is a futile exercise. do we still blame the lack of discipline among the flock to the priests and those in the hierarchy? have we become that stupid that we don't know anymore how to distinguish a church from a movie house or mall or park or zoo or a concert ground or a parking lot? have we grown callous to the need of our neighbor for time and space and a little amount of peace to be able to actively participate in the collective celebration of the mass?

sad but we catholics are the worst practicing religious followers that I know. we catholics have a thing or two to learn about discipline from INK, adventists, CLDS and even from Pentecostals. no wonder philippines is what it is today. after all philippines is a catholic nation!

now, aren't you alarmed, june?

how many more

2010-08-11T16:20:00.000+08:00

how many more sleeps will i take before i finally wake up with you right by my side? how much farther away will i trek before i get to where you are? how many more acquaintances will i meet before i come to know you? how many more love songs will i listen to before i can hear your lullaby? how many more wishes will i cast upon the falling stars before i can thank the gods above? how many more lines will i write about this seeming endless quest before i read your prose about me? how many more signs will i miss before i become wiser? how many more times will my heart break before we both could make it whole again?

just how many more questions will i ask before i finally find THE one for me?

until then i will keep on dreaming, searching, wishing, writing, singing, learning, trying, asking and always hoping.

nightmare in august

2010-08-08T08:17:00.001+08:00

5th august 2010, lunchtime, vicinity of ippon yari, paseo de sta. rosa: a sparkling mazda 3 with two svelte ladies in it parked right beside a mitsubishi grandis in a relatively secluded open parking area. an hour later a car has been burglarized. carted away were two mailman bags.

7th august 2010, 10 pm, parking area of a skin clinic. a lady doctor was organizing her things stuffed in the back compartment at the parking while waiting for the staff to come out; they were about to go home. a chanel handbag was hanging on her shoulder. her son's sitting at the driver seat twisted the key and the engine came alive. a couple of ladies standing by the roadside waiting for their ride. her staff came out of the clinic in haste walking towards to the waiting car. they must have been looking forward to a dinner treat promised them by doc. no one noticed the approaching scooter running from the opposite direction. at the wrong lane. at the wrong side of the street. girlish giggles were promptly punctuated. eyes run wild. mouths left agape. commotion broke lose. the bag was gone and so with the day's sales and the phones and the ipod touch and...

dry out

2010-08-07T09:07:00.001+08:00

i gave you my heart like an open book. read a few lines and you skimmed through most part of it.

and slipped slide away.

was it human nature that the closer we get to what we want the less we care about getting it?

is it just all about charting conquests?

or knowing our limits in careless bohemian sense? at the other person's expense?

talk about honesty.

talk about commitment.

these too have price tags attached to it.

they cling to the highest bidder; they prosper like a leech.

but only for a time, up until another moneyed glib talker comes along.

and they too will slip slide away.

the multiplier effect

2010-08-03T17:15:00.000+08:00

how are you today, june? i don't want to say that oft-repeated line whenever i play truant for days. believe it or not, i have been, yeah right...busy again lately. c'mon, don't stare at me with your patented poker face. argh...it's hopeless convincing someone who already passed judgment before knowing the facts.

admittedly i got a janus face sometimes. who would ever believe that at the back of this irreverent facade lurks a worshiper? i know you don't and i can't blame you for not buying it.

it has been my habit praying the rosary while on the road, driving to work. and it has been a habit listening to crossover channel on fm band particularly fr. larry's opening program in morning.

the scriptures spiel struck me in a refreshing way. the gospel reading was redundantly familiar. in fact it's one of the most loved stories in the bible that inspired people from all walks of life particularly the destitute, downtrodden and/or simply wanting.

i used to regard the gospel on the multiplication of loaves and fishes in a somewhat parochial way. it's the only miracle story ever mentioned in all four gospels, alright; but i never considered it beyond the 'miracle' angle. i was like a child who simply loves eating cake but never too keen knowing about the ingredients.

and stuck being a child i am. i never outgrew selfishness. sometimes i feel that the concerns of others are way beyond me. that the little that i have is not enough anyway to dent a burden so why bother giving in the first place.

but in the gospel jesus is commanding me to give. give whatever little that i got. but what if june if that 'little' is the only thing that is left for me, would i still give it to the one in need?

whenever i'm down and out i pray to god to take me out of the morass that i'm in. everytime i run to him with all my perceived nothingness, i expect miracles to happen. but then again, in the gospel, as fr. larry pointed out,god's miracle almost always stem from something positive. from the little leftovers. from small acts of kindness. from a simply hug. a warm smile. a gentle touch. a sweet note.

it doesn't matter how big or little that something is. miracles don't thrive in the abundance of negativity.

now i realize that indeed miracles don't happen to me when i pray: "lord, do me a miracle; i have nothing left, i'm all spent out."

fr. larry offered a fresh perspective in optimism.

henceforth, i shall pray: "lord, do me a miracle with whatever little that is left of me."

and as with the five loaves and two fishes, god's goodness and kindness shall be multiplied a thousand folds over.

may the positive force be with you, june.

plok!

2010-07-24T17:27:00.001+08:00

Like an energy saver light bulb that slowly comes to life, my eyes opened, albeit hesitatingly, to the steady soft sheen that had been spilling all over the room.

Walls with gothic dints appeared cold and distant like an indifferent lover chock-full of conceit. A locked door separates the worlds of the living and half-alive, of the beleaguered and carefree, and of darkness and light.

Head still heavy and feeling woozy, I balanced my weight comfortably squatting with two feet firmly planted on the floor and spread at an acute angle perpendicular to the horizontal plane.

Hushed tranquility lorded it over the immediate surroundings and beyond. Its placid presence, interspersed with the sweet aroma of scented candles, commands reverence without even really trying. It’s not a place for meditation alright but who can blame it if people comes out of the room almost always feeling lighthearted and relieved?

Expectedly, strong and burning feeling welled inside me; too strong and willful it was furtively moving all by itself as if it has a mind of its own, leaving undulating pains at its wake. Until I could stand it any longer.

All my senses came to the fore.

Silence broken.

Harmony, like pigeons fluttering at the sight of an intruder, shaken.

Everyone else scuttled off like headless chicken; they all gone into hiding.

In one impish push, the nativity of the discarded.

naka-apat na!

2010-07-10T15:37:00.000+08:00

Ang bilis talaga ng panohon June pag di mo pinapansin. Imagine, apat na buwan na kami? Kala ko kasi dati di ako makakatagal sa ganitong set-up. Ako pa naman, June, kilala mo rin di sanay sa tipong sakalan. Yung nagkikita at magkasama araw-araw. Dinaig pa si mareng Curacha! Walang pahinga, kahit linggo.

Ang nakakatuwa naman dahil di ko pa nararamdaman ang feeling na ‘nagsasawa’ o nabo-bore. Sabagay, June, di naman kasi sya boring makasama. Di naman araw-araw may bagong nagaganap pero andun yung variety sa ginagawa namin. Ikot ng ikot, kung saan napapadpad. Minsan inuulan sa labas pero madalas ang naliligo sa ilalim ng araw. Di pa naman ako sun-worshiper hahaha.

Pano kami nagkakilala? Through, Grace, yung common friend namin di ba? Dati na syang naiku-kwento ni grace. Pero halata naman na wala akong interest noon. Palibhasa kami pa ni PB. Besides, ayoko ng naka-exclusive contract mas ok sa akin ang freelance hehe feeling artistahin ba?

I have nothing against sa mga lean, shabby, at hindi head-turner ika nga. Syempre maghahanap ka na rin lang e di yung todo na basta may pangtapat ka din! Hehehe, yabang ba?! Pagbigyan mo na ako, blog ko to.

Fatalistic ako to a certain extent. I believe that things happen for a reason. Nung first time kaming mag-meet di ko ini-expect na madaldal sya. Maraming kwento. At dun ko nalaman na di pala sya pang small-time. (*sound of cash register ringing.) uy, biglang peso sign ang nakita ko sa kapaligiran hahaha. Ooops, baka isipin mo june na mukhang pera ako ha? Slight lang. hehehe.

Naging persistent sya without being pushy. Marami ako naging considerations, may existing commitment at iba pang personal baggage. Di sya kalayuan sa amin at hatid-sundo ako haha. Haba ng hair.

Nag-umpisa kami na wala ako masyadong expectations. I dunno pero malamang sya meron sa akin hehehe. WYSIWYG lang ang drama. Ganun naman lagi. Kung ano at sino ako di yon. Kung magustuhan at tumagal ang pagsasama e di mabuti. Kung hindi naman, salamat pa din.

Madali sa akin ang mag-adjust. Palibhasa labas masok na rin siguro sa ganitong sitwasyon. Mabilis naging magkapalagayan agad kami ng loob. Demanding sya at times sa time at atensyon. Very exacting din. Ako naman, focus…focus…focus. Ayoko rin mapulaan. Nakakahiya kahit pano. After all, alam mo yun june sya nagbabayad ng bills ko sa bahay. Mula sa ilaw, tubig, groceries, association dues at may pang gimik pa paminsan-minsan. O, san ka pa?!

Nung bago pa kami, minsan inuuwi ko sya sa bahay. Yon lang, di ako makakausap ng mga tao kasi buhos ang atensyon ko sa kanya. Sinasabihan nga ako ng mama dati na buong araw ko na daw kasama pati ba sa bahay karay-karay ko pa. Mas selosa pala si mama. Pano naman, hello, syempre pinag-aaralan ko sya. Pero nitong huli. Hindi na. kabisado ko na ang galaw nya. Alam ko na pano sya dalhin. Kelan pwedeng iwan at isasantabi. Hehehe.

Nakakatuwa kasi equitable ang treatment nya. Pag may bago syang papagawa sa akin ina-adjust nya rin ang bigay sa akin. Talagang money talks no? hindi naman sa ganun. Sabi ko nga nakakatuwa lang. kung dati kay PB ako nagdadala, nagpa-plano ng ikikilos at talaga namang nakaka-burnout din physically at financially; ngayon itong si bago sya nag-pa-plano at sinasama ako.

Nung isang araw sa pag-uusap namin may bago na naman syang gustong mangyari para sa akin. Syempre sa tingin nyang ikakabuti ko. Wala namang problema sa akin yan, June. Hindi sa nagiging sunod-sunuran ako sa mga kagustuhan nya pero lahat naman ng plano nya para sa akin ay nakikita kong maganda.

Well, di maiwasan na pag-uusapan ng iba minsan o tampulan ng tukso. Siguro nakikita nila na maganda ang chemistry naming dalawa so far. Modesty aside, hindi ako sakit sa ulo nya. Alam ko yon at may conscious effort na wag pasaway. I’m doing my share para maging kapaki-pakinabang din sa kanya.

Hindi man sya ganun ka big-time, hindi man sya ganun ka kilala, hindi ako nagsisisi na sya ang pinili ko. At masasabi kong mahal ko na sya.

Mahal ko ang trabaho ko at masaya ako!

Lovelife? Pushhhhh! I got no time for you. No, not never. Just not this time. (perhaps, later…? He-he-he.)

just another ewan

2010-07-07T13:07:00.002+08:00

It was one of those conversations, June, that free-float in the sea of spirits and thrives in every bottle that lands on the table.

Xtian and I decided to get our fill for dinner at mommy’s place. It’s a cozy place alright, June, but only for the habitués.

Five kiosks are standing, setback, in single file like crews in the restaurant welcoming the walk-in guests. But despite the convivial atmosphere within, still the air of exclusivity pervades the place especially for the first timers. A chest-tall fence with four slender posts in between hold the tarpaulin tent in place which in turn keeps the diners and swaggers alike from dew and rain depending on the season, also serves as fenders for the trekkers and the blasé.

“Good evening po, sir Jordan,” the voice greeted us before I could locate where it was coming from.

I knew it was mommy’s.

The voice floated over the din of laughter coming from a pool of bodies lounging around the round table. Dressed in jeans and fitting shirt, we found mommy in her usual warm gait. She ushered us to the table next to where she’s temporarily sitting in and regarded xtian in do-i-know-you fashion.

“pamangkin ko po,” I volunteered, “kasama ko din sya dito last week galing sya ng review.”

“ah, onga naman. Good luck sa board exams.” Then she turned to me, “siguro sir masarap ang magkapamilya ng mga engineers no, walang problema sa kwentahan,” followed by a hearty, crackling laughter like we were the only people in the world talking.

“mahirap mommy di ka makakadugas,” I chimed in.

“kakagaling naming sa patay, sir, dyan sa tapat, kilala mo rin yon,” pointing with her pouting lips to the house with makeshift tents sprawling on the street.

Had dinner. Watched teevee. Slept. One hiccup.

That did him in.

Cardiac arrest. Four kids and a wife. Young man. 35 or so.

“nalungkot ako, andito pa yon nung makalawa. ‘mommy’ minsan ‘tita’ tawag sa akin.”

She played the pen in her fingers like a baton blithely snaking through between the slits.

“pusit sa akin mommy.”

“pork steak sa akin tito.”

“and two sanmig lights.”

Mommy rushed to her store, echoed the order and joined us again in our table.

“sir, alam mo ba nung nasa patay kami kanina may naaaapakagandang paru-parung nakadapo lang sa kabaong,” her voice trailing off. She sounded more grim than surprised. The white smoke that she exhale veiled her countenance in a ghastly way.

Mommy always lets herself be carried away by emotions. For her that’s just being ‘real’. I have seen mommy in a really serious mood before like when she kicked the front wall of the store in utter anger over some family squabbles. Everybody was caught off handed. I felt embarrassed.

“sabi daw sa pamamagitan ng mga paru-paru nagpapahiwatig ang patay ng presence nila.” And she recounted how her father announced his passing on through a butterfly. At that time she and her family were living in another place far from her parents. A yellow dotted butterfly followed her as she does her chores at home and unsuspectingly disappeared only after her mother-in-law told about the ‘emergency’ at her parents’ place.

I have heard many stories about butterflies as harbingers of visitors, money, and the legendary of all, death. But when tito fermin from Papang’s side unceremoniously died in sta. ana, manila (we were staying in negros then but we would spent every summer and December with his family in their house in manila) when I was about ten, there were no butterflies seen around the house. Not even the scent of death wafting in the air.

One Saturday,Mamang, Papang and I were having breakfast when a blinding vision burst out in my mind like an arresting arithmetic flash card shown by the teacher to a grade 3 pupil with 6 x 8 = ? boldly written on it. I clearly ‘saw’ tito fermin in the coffin like I was actually looking down at him. The brown casket (it’s burgundy, I learned later), pristine white barong, black slacks, the wedding band around his finger and the black rosary he was made to clutch were all vivid to me.

I was such in a brief trance and I didn’t know that I already dropped the spoon and fork that I was holding. When asked what happened, I looked at Mamang and Papang straight in the eye and told them that tito fermin was dead. Incredulous they thought and dismissed my ‘tale’ hastily but not without an earful of words from Papang. It was about lunchtime when my cousin came to our house and broke the sad news. Mamang and Papang threw me a questioning look. I felt like I was expected to answer 6 x 8 in a split second and I found myself hopelessly lost.

“at sir, heto pa…” mommy saying in whisper this time as if letting me in on the real score between kris’ and james’ marriage, “sabagay mejo senghot ang lola mo last week.” Sometimes it took me awhile before I could catch up with mommy’s sward’s speak. She’s very much into it more than I do. Dinaig pa ang lolo mo! Hehe.

Mommy’s place sits next to a huge old warehouse turned into a badminton-slash-taekwondo-slash-boxing court. The perimeter is devoid of good lighting; it appears like a giant kapre at night squatting behind the dark shadows of adjacent buildings.

“mga pasado alas-dose na, may narinig akong hiyawan dyan sa loob,” she pointed her pouting lips toward the court while breathing out white smoke all at the same time, “pero dahil senghot nga ang lola mo di ko pinansin.”

“anong oras po ba nagsasara sila?” xtian ventured asking while downing his first bottle. Two sizzling plates were served and mommy gave further instructions to the crew to bring in suka na may bawang for the squid.

“buksan mo rin ako ng isang bote,” she was referring to a liter-size red horse,”sasabayan ko lang si sir.” Mommy has a high tolerance for alcohol.that's an obvious given. She can knockdown any juan with four litros without slurring her speech.

“minsan 12, minsan ala-una, depende sa tao,” she started again. “pero nung pangalawang hiyaw si alet na ang pumuna.” Alet is her only daughter graduating in b.s. pyche at the famous university in town.

“ay, nawindang na ang lola mo sinabihan ko na silang magligpit na.” but it was not only Alet who heard the cheering inside the court. Andrew, the guard, also overheard the cries.

The court was obviously closed but still Andrew wanted to make it sure that it was so. Blackness greeted his eyes when he peeped through the window. There was stillness inside and a deafening silence enveloped the place.

We exchanged more stories that only those who have had a firsthand experience can relate to and no answers were needed.

We finally call it a night at around 10pm. Mommy promised to cook buttered chicken next time we visit her again. “text ka lang sir pagpupunta ka.”
The ride home was fast and generally smooth. We reached home expectedly dark in the surroundings. Our next neighbor is a conservatively lit Italian inspired village chapel that sits some 20 meters away. The moonless sky and some specter of lights creeping out of the chapel that finally made its way through the grass carpet rolling terrain rendered the house mawkish at least for me who have been missing mamang’s presence at home.

The headlights were steadily trained on the gate where xtian was stooping trying to open the padlock from the outside. The air was still soaked from the evening drizzle; balmy breeze coming from the half-open window gingerly licking my face in a welcoming way. The vertical barrel lock scathing the pavement was telling me that the garage was now ready to let me in. But xtian prevented me from going inside. His questioning looks were begging for an answer – my answer. But I could not find any. I met his questions with a question. We were expecting a familiar ruckus, a friendly woof, a furtive welcome. But there was only silence.

“check mo main door,” I ordered xtian with a urgency while I stayed put inside the car.

“sarado, tito.”

“buksan mo pinto.”

Xtian held aloof the gang of keys before the blazing headlights. Knowingly he picked one and guided it into the waiting slit. A dull creaking sound was readily consumed by the hallow silence leaving everything intact like how it first found us or how we found it.

Falling shoulders. Quiet steps. Muted silence. A passing shadow. Grumpy leisurely strode through the main door as if no one was around. No barking. No horsing around. No sniff-licking. As if no one was around.
“strange,” was all I thought as I ushered in the murmuring car into the garage.

Silence followed us when we entered the house.

“check the door in the kitchen,” again I commanded xtian while scanning the few items left lying inside house. My eyes found nothing missing.
“tito, bukas! But…”

More questions floated in the air. We could never be mistaken. Xtian locked the door at the kitchen and I checked it again before we left in the morning.

“where’s muffin?”

I forgot about the open door…about grumpy coming out from the house…about what if…what if an outsider was lurking somewhere in the house???

There was no time to entertain questions and fears. My instincts brought me rushing up. For every door I opened and lights I switched on I was hoping to find muffin.

There was no muffin.

Not even a faint sign.

“tito, wala si muffin?” xtian standing by the dining table was still looking lost in all the things that was happening from the time he opened the gate.

Questions seized my mind like on-coming tides rushing to the shore, unstoppable. More ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ flooded my thoughts and all were left unanswered. I felt heaviness in my stomach. I proceeded to the toilet next to mamang’s room, tentatively gripped the knob and slowly turned it clockwise. The door to the toilet was closed but not locked the way it was when we left it in the morning.

No creaking sound was heard only a smooth feel of the panel swinging in by the force of my hand. Everything in the toilet was rendered silhouette by the pale night.

My musing was interrupted by a soft thing brushing the bottom of my pants like a feathery stuff toy comes alive.

It’s muffin!

pray tell, june, what was happening?

four and counting

2010-06-26T18:08:00.002+08:00

I have been busy for the past days, June; or was it already weeks since we talked last? The routine has been pretty much the same though but I’m not complaining either. Dreary as it may sound but then again I’m enjoying every minute that I spent at work. And that spells a whole lot of difference.

I’m not much into overseeing the civil works lately; instead, I have been thrown into a relatively new world for me, down to sub-zero domain. Of course, June, I’m just exaggerating things. You know my propensity for grandstanding and spawning theatrics here and there at times just to see those eyebrows closing ranks in mock disbelief.

Really now, I may not be getting that fat payslip every 15th and end of the month and the set up in the office is still much to be desired but the fact that my efforts and contributions to the projects have been duly acknowledged is enough boost for any sagging ego could hope for.

It’s no big deal for me, June, if I have been swinging around work, vacillating from one assignment to another like a pendulum gone berserk. Sometimes I feel like a handyman, being called upon where and when things are needed to get fixed. Jack of all trades (master of none) is what I really am. Hahaha.

After four months in the company, I have systematized the payroll, organized the warehouse, written procedures, put order in the site, set safety measures, instilled discipline among workers and bridged the gap between people in the management and the workforce.

Pardon me, June, if I seem to sound like putting on airs. Fret not, I got no messianic complex. Hahaha. Just glad that the management welcomed my suggestions and implement them. So far I could safely claim a 90% batting average on all the pitches that we have thrown in.

Four months and the position written in my calling card keeps changing as well. They change even before the ink dries up on the card – Admin Head, Operations Monitoring Head, Project Engineer and lately, Air-con Dept. Head. Geez, June, sometimes I don’t know anymore which cap I’m wearing. Our clients are confused as well. One day they will call me to quote for the concreting of the driveway, the next day we’ll be talking about backloading of materials and equipments and malfunctioning condenser unit the following day. Before I know it, I’m already at the middle of all the activities directing their concerns to the right person like an agile traffic aide in the middle of the road controlling the flow of traffic. It’s no mean feat, I tell you June. It can be tiring at most and stressful at times.

I don’t know for how long management will make me tarry in my current post at the air-con department. I hope long enough to get my heels warm. Words are rife, however, that I will be shipped to Cebu in time for the groundbreaking of one of our major projects down south.

This time I’m hoping, actually praying, that I stay…

missing her

2010-06-13T08:52:00.000+08:00

i miss her, june. it has been more than a month now since i last saw her. she left for the province for a supposed brief visit and i only have myself to blame for her overstaying. xtian was due back for the start of the review for electrical engineering board exams. the decision came to me at the nick of time, an hour before she and xtian left to catch their flight. what with no one around to keep her company at home when i'm working and xtian is out reviewing. ito naman kasing kasambahay namin, june, biglang nagpaalam magpahinga muna. duno if it was just his ploy to exact money that he had been cracking me for. one time you don't give to their demands and off they go not considering the mess that they will be leaving behind. ok, ok...enough of the tantrums of the kasambahays.

after all, it was my mamang that i have been missing the most.

(sana june makakita na kami ng makakasama sa bahay.)

For just a day

2010-06-06T13:13:00.001+08:00

My apologies, June, if I sounded a bit serious the past couple of times that I talked to you. It was not my intention to add a specter of glum to what has been a dour weather. But if there were any, I already cleared my palette with dark hues. Instead, I’m sporting pastel colors again. After all, the mourning is over (actually sooner than I expected), it’s time to start on a new slate again. Like what I have been telling you June, keep living, keep loving; and I’m doing just that hahaha.

Mejo kakaiba lang itong pag-goodbye ko this time. I can’t really put a finger on it, pero kung napansin mo June, the prognosis is good hehehe. Biro mo, one week ang binigay ko sa sarili to ‘shape up’, pero di pa natapos nung nakaraang lingo I was already up and about. Ooops, di ko nais mang-insulto or fake my feelings.

I, too, was surprised myself. Seven months was seven months and though it was not all rosy for us all the time, maganda naman ang naging samahan naming, June, at alam mo yon. I’ll spare you the gory details, June, hahaha; besides, I don’t feel it proper to play kiss and tell. It’s just not my cup of tea. And what for, June? The affair was between me and him; let’s keep it that way. Kaya wag ka ng mapilit hehe. Ang maririnig mo lang ay ang side ko you won’t have a full appreciation of what had happened.

Still I’m asking myself what made it easier for me this time? Siguro parang 1+1 lang ang nangyari. When you add 1 to 1, there’s no other answer but 2. Ibig kong sabihin, June, breaking up was the next logical thing to do for me. The preceding event that led to the parting of ways hurt me so much. It was not much for my ego that got bruised but my very self-worth that he crossed. Sabi nga sa isang forwarded text na nabasa ko, why care for someone who doesn’t care for you and your feelings anymore. Letting it pass and stick to the relationship for the sake of having one would be tolerating selfishness and insensitivity and wantonly disrespecting myself before his eyes. Yup, yups, June; ang ulo kaya nilagay a notch over the heart is for reason to rule over emotion. Ilang beses mo rin pinaalala sa akin yan. This time I must admit that I have been guilty many times over for playing dumb stupid. Sabi kasi sa kanta, “…be weak if you want to love” daw kaya siguro sa mga panahon na nagta-tanga-tangahan ako akala tuloy I won’t survive without him. But it would be presumptuous of him to even think about it.

Noon, June, pagmagtampuhan I won’t be replying to his messages or pick up his calls pero naka-kasa ang sim ko. Hahaha. Pero sinceTuesday natinaggal ko ang sun sim para palitan ng pldt+ hindi ko na nagawang ibalik pa ulit. Nawala din yung craving na i-check ang sun sim ko. Looks like the sun had hidden itself comfortably behind the veil of clouds and will stay there forever. Hehehe.

Did I feel sad for the break up? Yes, June.
Did I cry? No. Teary-eyed, yes.
…but only for a day.

Did I lose sleep over it? Definitely, NO. Sa tindi ng trabaho kulang lagi sa tulog. Hahaha.

driving the driver

2010-06-04T18:07:00.001+08:00

I came home late from work the other day and darn tired combing the road practically the whole day. Naaalala ko nga, June, those crazy days when I was still learning the rudiments of driving. I literally lived up to the very task of a driver. Para wala akong kapaguran noon, June. Pinagda-drive ko ang mga kamag-anak, kaibigan, kaibigan ng kaibigan kahit minsan di nagbibigay ng pang-gas hehehe.

Now that I know how to run a car, manual or automatic, I don’t want to drive anymore. Nakakatawa, June, no? Sometimes I wish that I still had a driver at home or someone willing and able to sit behind the wheels for me at work. Pero alam mo naman June ang kalagayan ko ngayon. There’s not much flexibility in the budget anymore kaya matagal ng tsinugi ang driver sa bahay hehe. At sa trabaho naman, kanya-kanyang angkas sa sasakyan at harurot lalo’t alam nilang marunong kang mag-drive at may license. The company drivers are all too happy to hand the keys to the car than do the driving for anyone else. But knowing how it is to be a driver (not just someone who knows how to drive) I can only sympathize with them kahit yon ang mga trabaho nila.

Nakakapagod mag-drive, June, kala mo. Lalo’t if it’s a long haul. You’d wish sana may papalit sayo pagnapagod ka, may ka-rilyebo ba. Being a driver is not an easy task. Sabi nga nila isang paa mo nasahukay lagi. Kaninong hukay, June? Hindi lang hukay ng driver kasali din yung buhay ng mga pasahero ng minamaneho nyang sasakyan. And that’s an added responsibility to the driver. Minsan hindi man iniinda ng driver ang lubak kung yon ang shortcut sa paroroonan pero kailangan isaalang-alang ang pasahero kaya di bale ng mapatagal ang byahe.

I would like to think that it’s also the same with relationships, June. Minsan akala mo nakahanap ka ng ‘katuwang’. Someone who will share with you the ‘responsibilities’ of making the partnership work. Someone who will tackle the steering wheel when tedium hits you. Or a simple offer to drive you both home. Pag inaatok na sa kalsada at nanginginig ang mga paa sa kaaapak ng breaks at accelerator.

Kaso, June, alam natin na hindi ganun ka-simple ang lahat. Though it really look that simple. Or was it just me who’s oversimplifying things?

That and the utter disregard of feelings and value of the other party can do-in the tires of the relationship and render the partnership kaput.

Now you understand, June, kung bakit nasa-junkshop ang aming sasakyan ngayon?

filling the cracks

2010-06-02T14:56:00.000+08:00

hi, june.sorry i been away on long hiatus. it feels like ages. i even needed to check the date the last time i posted an entry. i missed writing and sharing my thoughts. i missed you, june. but it never entered my mind to permanently abandon you.

many things have happened. every day has been replete with stories. stories that i stashed in my memory. some managed to stay while most slipped through the cracks and eventually went down the drain. sometimes i wonder, june, if i ever learned a lesson or two from those now forgotten past. but one thing sure, june, and looking from a distance, nothing is lost in the grand scheme of things. nothing is lost.

i took on a job, june, and i am proud to have made a grade in it this late in my career. it was not an easy start with all the new people around me and a different environment although not entirely 'new' to me at all. but it was not all about winning. some things were compromised along the way. time is linear and limiting. priorities, june. you must have a clear set of priorities if you don't want to find yourself spreading too thinly in the process and waste yourself along the way.

i have moments of indecisions, june. and times there were when looking back i wish that i could have done something better. but i don't dwell in the past. i tackle things as they come along hoping prudence would rule over my best judgment.

i too have heartaches and heartbreaks. oh, my gulay; i'm telling you, june, they were too many. but i have long accepted the fact that the world is not perfect and i too am not. i take things in stride, weather through the days, including thosedays that i had to drag myself out of bed and psyche myself up first before i set my step on the floor.

this is life, june. we just got to live through it and enjoy the sceneries along the way, humps included. i can't ask for more.

impulsive

2010-03-28T12:50:00.001+08:00

i know that i am not the sharpest tool in the box. it's not that i am stupid but i am not a genius either. and i have no problems with that. i have known people who were all brawn and some who were all brains but both kinds had been a mess. i am between the two extremes, like a kid standing in the middle of a seesaw, having a good time without the effort of swinging up and down. that's why i could not understand how it had not struck me, before i pushed myself doing something that made me regret later, the consequences of my actions?

commencement

2010-03-26T18:50:00.000+08:00

a beginning. new leaf. fresh start. incipiency. initiation. kick-off. launch.

genesis.

birth. onset. dawn.

spring.

a way has been paved, foundations laid, for the take-off.

it's all systems go. there's no stopping you now.

run a good race. break barriers. blaze a trail. be your own man. be a man for others.

live the lasallian virtues!

first shot

2010-03-25T16:00:00.003+08:00

I dont know where to begin, every aspect is knew to me. Just wanted to explore the idea but never realy had the skills in doing this. Most of you would not appreciate or understand what im saying but i hope that only one person in my life would feel the intensity as i wave my hands on the board.

There are alot of things going in my mind right now, wanting to break through my skull and come to life, Lacking narrative and vocabulary hinders me to do so. I wish i could be like you who is much much better than me. We are different in many ways but there is a strong bond that holds us together. I am greatfull to you in many ways, watching mother and child realy touches my heart.

Cant think straight anymore.....

Until the next time.

flirting while driving

2010-03-22T21:28:00.005+08:00

"do you know," i said with eyes fixed on the road and both hands glued on the wheels, "what it was that struck me first about you?" i waited, but he made no response, and would not turn to look at me. i whispered it as i threw him a quick but naughty glance: "it was your smell."

he gave a short, incredulous laugh. "my what? my cologne, you mean?"

i shook my head vigorously. "no no no. not cologne - you."

"and what did i smell of?"

"i've told you - you. you smelled of you. you still do."

now he looked at me, smiling in a restrained unsteady way, and when he spoke his voice reeked of playful sarcasm as if he were faintly in pain. "doesn't everybody smell of themselves?"

i took his head gently and guided it to my shoulder.

"not like you," i said, "not with that - that intensity."

quickly he straightened up and turned his attention back to the makeshift tianges dotting along the roadside which seemingly for him were running towards the opposite direction of our speeding car. he could smell me now, or not smell but feel me rather, the fleshy heat of my hand pressing against his like the air of midsummer day thick with the threat of thunder. "oh, labs," he said, with an effort at gaity, "you're just drunk."

he swayed a bit and righted himself. "and you are delicious," i said.

mirage

2010-03-21T17:16:00.001+08:00

it was still there, that face, when he came to the first time. the darkeness was different now, more diffuse, softer and it was not raining. everything, in fact, was different. he did not understand where he was. it was jeff who was leaning over him, frowning and intent. but how had jeff known where to find him? someone seemed to be holding his hand, but when he turned his head to see who it was a wave of nausea rose in him and he hastily shut his eyes. when he opened them, no more than a moment later, so it seemed to him, jeff was gone, and the darkness had changed again, was no longer darkness, indeed, but a greyish mistness with something throbbing slowly and hugely at the heart of it - it was he, he was what was throbbing, in dull, vast, hardly believable pain. cautiously this time he turned his eyes to the side and saw that it was jay who was holding his hand, and for a moment in his drugged, half-dreaming state he thought jay was his dead father. jay was sitting beside him, on the steps, was it? something like fog lay between them, or a bank of cloud, but solid enough for his hand in jay's to rest on. for a giddy moment he was afraid he was going to burst into tears. it was not fog, but a white sheet with a blanket under it.

sleep, he must sleep.

bad eggs

2010-03-07T20:31:00.001+08:00

why do people resort to dishonesty? is it because times are hard and money is getting scarce? or is it because the temptation for easy money is simply too strong to resist? or could it be that some people have conveniently succumb to 'robin hood' complex? or there is an immediate need, a matter of life and death, to be addressed and all honest initiatives have already been exhausted?

whatever the reasons might be, noble or self-serving, i can only divine.

i never imagined that my friend who planed in from LA some couple of weeks ago will be victimized by a sweet-talking-smart-looking lady staff right at the reception counter of the manila hotel (of all places!). a usd 20 may not be that much to harp on, but hey 20 u.s. dollars is still 20 u.s. dollars! after all money does not grow on tress.

the haggle to lower the room rate to that of the published internet rate proved positive in favor of my friend. thanks but no thanks to the lady floor manager on-duty who came in after the reservation staff seeked her approval. the walk-in rate was pegged at usd 205 but without the 'freebies' the rate had been lowered to usd 116.20 or usd 13.80 less compared to the internet rate that day. good bargain. or so we thought.

too many cooks spoil the broth. the problem surfaced after the cashier came to the picture and money exchanged hands. my friend handed five usd 20 bills (and i even counted it myself) to the sweet-talking-smart-looking manager who inconspicously disappered throught the panel doors after she handed the bills to the cashier. again my friend forked out usd 95 for the usd 100 security deposit and handed it to the reservation staff with my friend offering to pay the usd 1.20 in peso of the usd 116.20 to complete the payment and the deposit.

a few moments later and my friend was called to sign the chet for room which is usd 116.20 (that is usd 115 plus a little over P56) . but to our surprise, the money left for the security was not usd 100 anymore, not even usd 95, but usd 80 only!

discussions insued at the counter. the reservation clerk acknowledged receiving the usd 95 so was the cashier. however, the cashier confirmed the peso bills but didn't count the dollar bills that were handed to her by the manager. then the lady manager appeared again through the panel door and proceeded with her business walking to and fro at the back of two staff who were arguing with us and as if nothing was going on. but when i called the manager's attention, she casually remarked, "right, i received usd 95 and i handed the bills to you," referring to the cahier. poor cashier, counted the money again but still short of usd 20. "andyan lang yan, hanapin nyo..." now talking to the cashier and the reservation clerk, still maintaining that amiable demeanor while the two were on panic mode already turning the counter inside out yet found nothing. the sweet-talking-smart-looking manager again casually disappered from the scene.

we were running after time as we had another appointment in 30 mins with another friend in makati. my friend decided to forgo the usd 20 but not without leaving strong words with the staff.

her kins were regulars at the manila hotel everytime they come home. it was the first time she experienced it herself and vowed never to stay in the same hotel again. for usd 20, and the hotel lost the patronage of the whole clan.

who's got the fast hand? your guess is good as mine.

just this week another incident of dishonesty over cutout polycarbonate sheets and a couple of good lumber happened at the site. this time by our driver who was in cahoots with the staff of our client. they managed to slip the items out of the premises despite my objection. i brought the matter to the attention of our boss and the driver was reprimanded in my presence. he was issued a last-warning memo. this is the second time that he was proven positive of pilferage.

today, i woke up at 4am just to be in the office by six, before the tools and materials for the site are loaded to the truck. the management got wind of the shenanigans happening on sundays when there are no eyes watching over the people at the warehouse. scrap materials are allegedly being smuggled out to the waiting junkshop. covert investigations are underway and a couple of names from the roster of workers were marked as suspects.

i guess i have had my quota of negative energy during the past weeks but still these are not enough reasons to waver in my faith on people. i believe that there are more good than not-so-good people in this planet.

with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams; it still is a beautiful world after all.

ang masalimuot na kadahilanan

2010-02-15T21:06:00.000+08:00

onga nag 3rd monthsary lang kami di na ako nakakapag-update ng blog hahaha. gusto kung maniwala sa numerologist na nagsabi noon na '3' is my lucky number. aba naman, sunod-sunod ang 'engagements' ilang araw mamarkahan ng tatlong buwan ang aming pagsasama.

andyan ang nag-overnight kami sa quezon city. sabagay anticipated na yon. late na kasi matatapos ang class reunion nila labs at ayoko rin mag-drive pa sa dis-oras ng madaling araw. hmmm, sige na nga guilty as charged na. syempre jay and i took the opportunity namagsama sa magdamag. after all, bihira lang dumating ang ganitong pagkakataon na may blessing si labs na di matulog sa kanila.

at syempre dahil dyaheng bumuntot kay labs sa affair ng school nila (ayoko rin kahit na ilang libong pilit...sakali lang pinilit ako hehe), buti at nag-offer si red to keep me company habang pinalilipas ko ang oras. kulang pa yan sa tulog si red ha at kinailangan pa nyang umuwi sa cavite nung gabing din yon! hay, ang kaibigan ko nga naman...dumadamay pati sa puyatan. pero wag ka, mega kanta si pulahan sa ktv sa harap ng mga first time naming na meet na mga kaibigan ni joms. ooops, that's a different story.

at andun din si joms na 'umampon' sa akin nung gabing yon. what else would you expect sa isang nurturing type na tao. e di mega alaga at alalay sa akin hahaha. shy type lang talaga ako parang makahiya na tumiliklop sa maraming tao. kaya siguro na sense ni joms na hindi ako nag-e-enjoy sa ktv kaya minabuti nyang hatakin na ako at ilipat ng crowd. hindi naman sa di nag-e-enjoy. pano ba naman wala din akong boses na gaya ni red na pwedeng makipagsabayan sa nasa tono. pag-pinilit ko baka mas lalo akong 'ikakahiya' ni joms at red at biglang sabihin na ang totoo di nila ako kilala at sinabay lang dahil nagkakalat sa labas ng bar hahaha.

sa nilipatan naming mga friends ni joms (o kitam, miss friendship talaga tong kaibigan ko) mejo subdued ang kapaligiran. and to think na nga-iinuman ang mga tao 'dun'. kaya nga ng dumating si labs na mejo hyper at malakas ang boses (hehehe peace labs) courtesy of two bottles of beer galing sa umpukan ng mga batchmates nya sa dako-roon (hehe) i was quick to ribbed him gently at binulungan to tone down a bit.

ganda nga ng preparations e. wala kaming alam pareho na matutulugan maliban sa suggestion ni kaibigang joms sa motmot daw (napatawa talaga ako sa 'motmot' nung tinext ni joms sa akin). at ganun pa man, di pa rin kami nakapag-decide kung saang motmot. ang prime consideration: dapat mura!

after a long and serious figuring out (naks!) sumenyas si joms sa isang ka-tropa nya at sinabi ang aming concerns. gusto kong maniwala na itong ka-tropa ni joms libot sa mga motmot. without any second thoughts binigyan kami ng discount card sa bermuda. very discreet ang design ng card. nakasulat lang: bermuda hotel and restaurant sa harap at opposite side ang location map. o di ba? kahit mahulog man sa pitaka in front of the members of the family hindi tipong magka-tamang hinala sila hahaha.

pero side-story muna.

after nung card-giving ceremony hehehe, at habang inaantay si labs, biglang nag-alburuto ang aking pantog. call of nature. dahil nasa loft ang inuman, kinakailangan kung bumaba para mag-karoling (jingle bells na!). nadatnan kong naka-locked ang cr at may isang nakapila. paglabas ng babae (yes, common cr parang co-ed lang) dali-daling pumasok naman si lalake na nauna sa akin. ako naman nuni-nuni-nu habang nakasandal sa wall ng adjacent shop. bago makalabas ang lalake nilapitan ako ng isang lalake na galing sa loob ng shop sabay bitiw ng sales pitch: sir, dalawin nyo naman ang loob ng shop namin, marami kaming mga gift items na kakaiba at mura lang (sabay abot ng flyer). ganun din paglabas ng lalake na nasa cr at dahil kanina pang 'active' ang aking bahay-ihi finold ko lang ang flyer sabay suksuk sa bulsa ng pantalon ko sa likuran at kumaripas papasok ng cr. habang mega dilig ako sa harap ng nakangangang unudoro nag-replay sa utak ko ang mga katagang "...gift items na kakaiba at mura lang."

naudlot ang voice-over sa utak ko at umurong ang ihi ko saglit sa biglang may kumalampag sa pintuan sabay sigaw na akala mo na-trap sa nasusunog na sasakyan, "MAY RELOS BA DYAN NG PAMBABAENG NAIWAN???" ako naman biglang survey ang mga singkit na mata sa kapaligiran according to the specs na binigay. chances are pag may nakita akong relos na panlalake di ko ia-acknowledge hahaha (bad ko). "Opo meron." "ay salamat, pwede paki-abot lang." "ate, pwede sandali, patapusin nyo muna ako." "ay, sori..."

nang mai-abot ko ang relos sa sobrang grateful na miss, sumilip ako sa katabing shop. erect penis of all shapes and sizes filling the display rack, hungry rubber vajayjay waiting to be fed, nude manikin...and the shocking thing of all...a child of two slumping on lap of a lady being racked to sleep! buhay po yung sinasabi kong 'child' at 'lady'. na iskandalo ako dun ah. sa gitna ng kalaswaan (or maybe it was just my green and olive mind) may bata na pinalalaki sa ganitong kalakaran. oh well-ie revillame...

balik sa escapades...

yun wala ng esep-esep pa. mag-aalados na ng dumating si labs kaya para din kaming kidlat na nagpaalam sa tropa ni joms at sa isang iglap narating namin ang malambot na kutchon ng bermuda (syempre walang traffic madaling araw na...hindi po kami nagmamadali hahaha).

kung ano mang kaganapan sa loob ng room # x ng bermuda ay mananatili na lang sa aming maharot na alaala hahaha. wag na kayong humirit pa!

ilang araw lumipas ang kulang-sa-tulog na escapade ay nagkaroon na ako ng trabaho. kitam, kulang lang pala ako sa nightlife at enhancement ng sexlife para makapag-attract ng positive vibes sa buhay. hahaha. namamasukan na po ako sa isang construction company na sa kasunod bayan lang. kaya nung tanungin ako ni joms kung kumusta ang work. walang patumpik-tumpik kong sinagot: "it's raining men sa site," men of all shapes, sizes and scent hahaha. di po ako talipandas! at wala po akong balak umalembong. at ni minsan di ko inisip maging two or three or four-timer kay labs (naks! hehehe elibs ka na labs?). it's just an honest and objective observation. hehehe.

kaya yan po ang kadahilanan kung bakit nilangaw itong lugaw kong blog.

maliban dyan at malaking bahagi ng kadahilan ay i was bitten by katamaran-bug!

3

2010-01-29T09:10:00.000+08:00

ulianin...siino?

2010-01-28T11:22:00.000+08:00

"tan-awa mga kuko mo parehas kita," (tingnan mo mga kuko mo pareho tayo) she proceeds to rub each of my nails with her finger as if she were trying to erase a smudge, "kadalagko sang 'half-moon' pati sa kamalingking." (ang lalaki ng 'half-moon' pati sa kalingkingan)

for the past three days that i snuggled beside her before she rises in the morning, she puts her arm on mine that lays resting on the pillow that she's hugging (in a way i'm hugging them both), play with my fingers like a child and marvel how similar yet different our nails and fingers are.

"sa december ma-80 na ako. pa-hunitay kami ginahawa ni tital teling mo, ma-79 na sya." (sa december, 80 na ako. patagalan kami ng hinihinga ni tita teling mo, ma-79 na sya.)

for the past three days she has been telling me how lucky she is for almost reaching 80 years old and outlived her older siblings.

"ang iban 70 pa lang ulianon na, maayo gani ako ma-80 na di pa mali-mali," and follow it with a girlish giggle. (ang iba 70 pa lang ulianin na, buti pa ako ma-80 na di pa mali-mali)

for the past three days she has been marveling at how she has stayed lucid despite her getting older.

"siguro kung ulianon na ako...iseparar mo na ako nga kwarto, kung may bisita ka di mo ako palalabasin kag kada maghambal ako akigan mo 'hipos!' parehas sina sang iban nga mga bata sa ila mga tigulang na nga ginikanan." (siguro pag ulianin na ako...ihihiwalay mo na ang kwarto ko, pag may bisita di mo ako palalabasin at tuwing magsasalita ako pagagalitan at sabihin 'tahimik!' kagaya ng ibang mga anak sa kanilang tumatanda na magulang."

for the past days she has been telling me about her fears of getting old with failing memory.

"pag naga-ihi-ihi na ako sa panty basi indi mo na ako updon mamasyar kag ikahuya mo ako sa imo mga bisita." (pag umiihi na ako sa paty baka hindi mo na ako isasama sa pamamasyal at ikakahiya mo ako sa yong mga bisita."

for the past three days she has been telling me her fears of being alienated because of incontinence due to old age.

"pero siguro, to, indi man ina nila gusto no? maskin gusto nila nga bato indi na nila ma-control" (pero siguro, to, hindi din nila gusto yun no? kahit anong gawin nilang laban sa lahat ng yan hindi talaga nila ma-control.)

for the past three days she has been rationalizing things while thinking aloud, sounding like convincing herself more than anyone else.

her chuckles in-between musings drown the doubts for awhile only to doubt herself again if all that she's saying were not happening to her.

with my head burried on her back, for the past three day i've been telling her, "hmmm...ang palangga ko nga tigulang nga mamang," (hmm...ang mahal kong matandang mamang) followed by a tight hug.

question...more questions

2010-01-27T08:07:00.000+08:00

there's this wireless internet advert on the radio and towards the end of the commercial a boy asks a question that most moms shudder at the mere thought of it. here goes...

"mom..., when can i have a girlfriend?"

"NEVER...!!!" was the mom's emphatic reply.

ummm...i could just imagine what if the boy asked his mom this question and with all lambing...

"mom..., when can i have a BOYFRIEND???"